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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-04-09 12:01:55 (UTC)

Thursday


5:35am
4/9/20

Morning.
Went to bed seriously depressed.
Therapy session yesterday, took me down a dark path.
Having to face reality, of a safety plan. Made me feel like I’m weak, unable to tend to myself, screwed up mentally....and the list goes on.
Just never could get out of my funk. Didn’t sleep well either.
Old childhood memories flooded my mind.
Some ok, some not so ok.
Guess there are things I blocked out over the years.

I got a “blocked” voicemail from DD2. He had been testing daily, with me not responding, so left me a voicemail. He misses me, loves me, thought I was better than a child, because I put him on block on everything. Why can’t we remain friends. He misses me in his bed on the weekends. Did you delete your Facebook?, no one can find you! He doesn’t take back his last phone call with me. Wanted to know how I’m doing.

Well, I’m keeping him on block. I can see nothing has changed, he is just lonely. For not apologizing for the last phone call over a week ago, well, ok, don’t, just means I don’t have to remove you off of block.
Can’t find me on FB because, before I blocked him, I went through his friends list, blocked every friend on his list and then, blocked him. That’s dedication to shutting a door.
I love him, I know he loves me (somewhere in there) but we are on two different roads and our paths are not helpful to each other. I’m ok with that. I’m EXTREMELY proud of myself for seeing the signs that were causing me problems, and since nothing changed on his side, I walked away. 7 weeks is better than taking 7 months. I’m proud. It feels great. I do, I miss him, miss things about him, but that’s ok. I need to continue to grow, I need the positive support, something he could not give. So, I became selfish, and did what I needed for me. I will continue to better myself, to heal, and grow. People will come in and out of my life as I grow and recover.

Other news...
I have been getting dizzy, light headed, blurred vision, then blindness, then a serious headache. Past three days. First time the blindness was 1 1/2 hours long, second time was 40 minutes, third time was 30 minutes. I slept the first time, second and third I ended up eating something. Not sure what’s going on.
I’m eating more the past three days than I have in 2 months...no joke, dead serious.
I went from February being 152 pounds to March being 133.5 pounds. So yeah, I didn’t eat.
Sad, the more I eat, the more tired I get.

My daughter lost her job, not sure what we are going to do. They laid off 160 people. And of course, my ex gets to stay because he lives with the boss. Yeah, completely bull shit.

I managed to stay safe in all aspects after yesterday’s therapy session, despite the serious urges.

Going to be working on Chapter 2 of my life.
I pray I have the strength to write it and be ok.

With that,
Happy Thursday


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