chae

from my heart
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2020-04-08 20:53:29 (UTC)

dont stop!

4:53 pm

it gets so easy to just repress my bad thoughts and numb them out because i hate that sickening feeling of feeling so shitty to the point i want to throw up sometimes. but i realize that the more i repress, the worse things get. this is something i really want to work on for myself even though it can be so hard sometimes. i repress things so hard to the point ill feel sad but i have no idea what im sad about, or i do, but i have repressed them so its like this feeling of not knowing exactly what im truly sad about even though i do know if that makes any sense.

im proud of myself although i do feel like its nothing i should really be proud about but i am. im proud because ive finally caught up on my psych work and my gov class. i still have so much to do. im so overwhelmed because i keep getting emails from my teacher constantly reminding me that ive not turned in this or that assignments and whenever i check my grades i feel haunted by the numbers as its gradually but consistently decreasing. its a sign that im fucking up harder and that i am somewhat of a failure.

so im proud. because i know im not like everybody else who get their work done on time and im not saying i want any sort of special treatment because it was definitely my fault that i couldnt get things done on time. i have no excuses. which is why i probably feel so shitty about this all. but i guess ill say that im really trying. im trying to get back on my feet and i really do want to pass. im scared about fucking up even though months ago i didnt even care.

i know i can do this. i think whats been helping me a lot these days is the saying that "everything is temporary". ill just keep trying and trying.


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