Quarantine – Day 23 and what came before
Weekends and weekdays have predictably blended together. I no longer do things according to a fixed schedule but according to how my mood takes me. Living with other people requires a certain amount of energy and sometimes that energy quickly drains.
My brother has less than a week left in isolation, for the time being he's simply confined into one room and bathroom. We bring him meals and water and maintain a 2 meter distance from him when we talk through a door or a window.
What had also dampened my spirits was the fact that C and I basically broke up. That was a tough week to handle, to be honest. After his silence lasted a week, I confronted him about it. He said that drove him to decide what he wanted and that was to take a break. It's not a bright and sunny day when the man I love tells me that my driven need to fix the relationship nearly drove him insane. I've written about it in my personal diaries and let time pass to the point where now I'm just writing a brief summary of it all. There were just too many factors against us, adding our own issues (mine) that have been a growing strain over distance. The way he chose to handle the situation speaks volumes; disappearing, shutting down emotionally, not communicating well. At the same time it has been a wake-up call seeing that I basically drove him to this state. So we're broken up, and for the first few days after the decision was made we hardly spoke. Contact was eventually renewed and we're keeping our intentions pure regarding staying friends. It's been quite confusing lately but I'm also trying to let go of this need to have clear cut definitions and labels on things. It doesn't do much good in this time of utter chaos anyway.
There has been the issue of dealing with those moments of a much needed soul-bearing. It's not right to throw this responsibility on someone; I did it to C and look where that got me. My uni group friends are all occupied and I'm too old to turn to my mother for this kind of comfort and guidance. There has been talk with my mother though because she just sees these things. She knows before knowing. The more I felt okay to explain and did, the more she started to see that she'd be too emotionally involved to help me. She's a therapist herself but she's first and foremost my mother. So after a while she recommended someone to me. After a day or two she got me her number and after another day of gathering courage, I called her and set an appointment. The next day we had a session by phone. It was a bigger relief than I thought. Our sessions are now scheduled for Friday, 10 am appointments by phone. I reckon I'll write down how each session went in my notebook diary to keep track of the progress. It felt good after we hung up. It felt like I was doing the right thing; I had set out to fix a problem and come out stronger.
I had refrained from telling friends about the breakup and about therapy. It wasn't something I was ready to share, not even in my online diary, and I suppose my reasoning was that if I dealt with it on my own without the comfort of friends then it was a sign of strength on my part. I'm not the type to rant, complain, or moan. The only friend who ended up knowing is A and that's only happened two days ago because he initiated contact and actually asked about my boyfriend. I didn't want to rush to him for comfort because I didn't want it to feel like I might be replacing C so easily. It's not the case at all, obviously, but it's this kind of self-doubt that I want to get rid of. A actually showed sadness at hearing the news and apologized. He even berated me for not telling him sooner on account of us being close friends.
This very much felt like a kind of dark period that I'm only getting out of. It reminds me of the pit I had sunk in back in high school. Once again I have to claw my way out on my own. I'm content to do that though, I'll probably feel that much stronger when I breathe fresh air again. I can't tell if this is numbness or the calm before the storm. Either way, nothing feels evil and my walk into the labyrinth is only getting closer to the centre.