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2020-04-07 10:37:00 (UTC)

trying to find a balance

6:37 am

i think this is my first time ever getting up so early in about a month or so. well last night i got properly fucked ig. i did some school work but i got so tipsy LOL. i guess in life we all have to have a little fun right?

i mean imagine living with no excitement or something to look forward too. i hate being positive on my diaries to be honest because it makes me cringe when i look back. i feel like i become weird when i am happy. like i try to change something that cannot change. i try to make it seem like happiness is forever when its not and i try to make it seem like sadness can always be avoidable when its always going to be there.

i wonder if i was kinder to sadness it would give me some sort of mercy and allow me to be happy. idk. im literally talking so much nonsense right now.

anyways nobodies awake at home and im literally writing this all on the toilet.

i dont think i ever mentioned that i have a boyfriend now... LOL. remember when i said i liked reed? yeah well, after a few days he basically told me he liked me and i told him i liked him too and then we just became a thing.

honestly i liked him a lot and then after a few days i got kind of disinterested because i think there was way too much affection and i have no clue what to do in a relationship. but lately ive been liking him more and more because hes just so kind and caring towards me. he makes me feel like i can feel single but also not. i just like that he respects me although i barely have any respect towards myself. i like how he makes me feel like im really pretty and right now im listening to the playlist he made for me.

i really like reed a lot because he makes me happy. yesterday he called me when i was tipsy and i was scared to like disappoint him or anything but he wasnt at all and now hes still asleep on call. hes so cute and he doesnt even realize it, haha.

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