Nadia

wet blanket
2020-04-05 08:53:27 (UTC)

If I have to fight for your attention I probably won't even want it anymore.

So now i've been put into a spiral of listening to break up songs and tearing up every time I see a happy couple.
It sucks because i'm not trying to be problematic. I said I'd make sure to tell him if i had any issues, even the slightest ones. But... i've brought this up before. It's already so hard to bring up despite that i have before. I just want to be wanted. I don't want to date someone that isn't interested in me it makes me constantly question if there's something i'm doing wrong; did i push a joke too far? is he forcing himself to be affectionate right now? have i gained too much weight? am i just not fun for him to be around? When i watch him talk to my sister he seems like he has a better time than when he does with me. I'm not jealous of her like that, I just notice it. I feel like i'm just a dark cloud on his nice day.
I felt like I had come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship ever again yet here i am. I'm the one that put me here.
I guess it's just that stupid "I thought this one would be different" clichè.
I'm just giving it more time I don't want to ruin everything maybe we're just having a rough patch. A long rough patch.
I can sit here and try to rationalise these thoughts and say it's just my depression making me feel like this but.. usually I can recognise those thoughts from things based on facts pretty easily and these seem pretty rational.
Like I've had long term relationships in the past and you know when you just lie down together and you don't have to be doing anything because you just want to hold them or be held for awhile? just those key moments were you want to be close with someone just for awhile and they want that too. You don't have to discuss it, you don't have to ask for it; it just happens organically because you both want it. It looks like sex is starting to become that way as well.
I think I'm a loving girlfriend. I just want that love in return without having to ask, like how it was at the start.


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