starpapillon

once upon a star
2020-04-03 02:28:40 (UTC)

heartache

such times of the day make me want to kill myself even more, 5 am and the sun is coming up and i'm empty again. moon hasnt spoken again.. she sent me that song and shut up.. maybe she truly is fed up with me.. im fed up with me. but i havent done anything to bother her ever i don't really understand. im boring thats why, and clingy. i have no clue why i still love her so much, why i love her that intensly. i miss having things to occupy me. i havent felt a decent feeling for years now? i don't know but no feeling seems to sit inside more than 5 seconds. and when you're so used to being empty you get scared to indulge in the possibility of feels. i avoid any chance to think, any chance to be anything at all. being busy helps and i sure mastered the art of running away. spending extra 4 hours of endless wait in university. yes i waited for moon but i also waited for me, to run from me. and now even in my own house in the scary isolation, i keep trying to distract myself.. movie after movie after app after picture, sleep, sleep, breathe, obsess over food, sleep some more, panic, movies then cartoon. don't think don't think god forbids you go there. it will come crashing down like it always does, always. it'll be a mess, always. i haven't done anything today too. it's hard to look at the window and not think of jumping, hold a knife and scream to not stab yourself, but even harder to mask all that and be fine.. because people can't possibly know. people can't possibly understand. people will eventually leave. moon clearly did.. i don't want her to leave yet i really love her. memories hurt. i sat down and pictures came up.. i was her snow fairy what happened. i wish i could cry tho.




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