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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-04-02 19:58:12 (UTC)

Hardest thing to do, is say Goodbye


No good morning
Just ‘what are you dealing with’

Not sure how to take it
Certainly isn’t showing what he did a month ago
Maybe this is his habit
How he ‘remains friends’
He keeps them hanging in case he decides to use them again?

(Deep sigh)
Not going to think on it

Been working on dishes but get angry (scale 9 out of 10) and then want to cry (scale 9 out of 10).

Since my head is drifting to that dark place:

Actually acts like he cares today

I pray daily that his eyes open and things get fixed. I’d be good for him if he would allow it, accept it.
He’d be good for my son.
Just how long do I wait?

(Deep sigh)

Still haven’t gotten the kitchen completed. Work 10-15 minutes and get angry and take a break.
Then go back to it.

I’m so exhausted today. (Scale 9 of 10)
Tried everything.
Have the shakes as well.

Outside with the kids.
Ended up sending a message and blocking someone I didn’t want to, but don’t need the negativity in my life.
Nothing in the phone call was positive on his end, so had to save myself, save my sanity, and will pray things change in time.

Babe, I love you. I'm going to just step back, you clearly need space, and I don’t need more issues, and hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. You certainly had me fooled on what you were after..... I'm too much drama, you push me away to deal with your situations instead of doing things together, you think I played games with you, clearly not the case. I gave you the keychain and other gifts not out of head games, nor the gifts for little one out of head games, but out of love. I have a ton on my plate and try handling things the best I can. I was all in whole heart, soul, body to have a committed relationship. I have enough drama with my troubled kids and health issues. This is the hardest thing for me to do, specially since my son is struggling with his feelings for you as well. You said a lot, none of it was a positive thing. So, whenever you want to re try, look me up. I’m not chatting with my ex’s, I’m not leading men on, despite your beliefs, I’m faithful and loyal, unlike your ex’s. So quick to say I am unable to look at you differently than my ex’s, but I do. I trusted you within days of talking. I have been honest with you about how I see you, you know, the “you idolize me” which is not the case, I just think that damn highly of you. Sad, you don’t think of me any different than your ex’s. I hope, somehow, things get clear so what I feel we have can grow, but as long as you feel all this negativity things will not work. I can’t fix the things all on my own. I’m doing my therapy and trying to grow in a better aspect as a person but when the person I love, states all this negativity, I have no choice but to step back and continue to pray something will change so this love I have for you can grow stronger. If you never contact me again, then so be it. I love you. Hopefully, our paths will cross and this love can blossom. Until then, breath, and know, I truly love you.

And then blocked him. On everything. He has my email, he can leave a voicemail, and it will show in my blocked messages. If he truly wants this to work, he will find a way. I can not, will not, be around that much negativity. I don’t need it, nor want it.

I believe our paths crossed for a reason, but until he can deal with what he needs to, things will not change in his life.

With this, I’m going to post, charge my phone, and continue to pray, and move forward