Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-04-01 00:01:55 (UTC)

I'm Cooking All The Dumplings...

I've seen the bad in the good and the good in the bad. The one person who is supposed to be my friend, being more anti-social than socially-distant. We can still communicate through texting or calling, but she's chosen to ignore me. The people at work, who I thought didn't care about me, were talking about me transferring to a closer location until this pandemic is over, because the busses are now shut down, except for some people (understandably, people going grocery shopping and EMT workers), but even they have to call the bus company, ahead of time and schedule it, so to speak. Now, I have a 90 minute walk to work and a 90 minute walk home. That's how long it takes me to walk there. I've actually done it before. That's 3 hours of walking a day, 10( ) miles (counting the walking around I do at work!) and working, mostly 9-hour days. My one 8-hour day is Thursday. I might take an uber home Thursday, but I can't afford that twice a day, five days a week!

When the world gets turned upside down, maybe sometimes, that turns your perspective, right-side up. I felt like everyone at work didn't like me because I'm vulnerable and highly sensitive. I'm going through grief. Now, however, because I can see how overly-emotional I am, I can acknowledge and observe my state of emotions and what I'm feeling. Most of the time, I can stay calm, no matter what I'm feeling (though, it's still very difficult with anger - I don't like feeling angry, I don't handle it well. I handle sadness better.), and later on, realize that I was being over-sensitive. And that's the best I can do right now. Maybe someday I will get to the point where I don't even feel overwhelming sadness, anger or depression anymore. Thankfully, though, while I still have to contend with those emotions, I have gotten to the point of having little to no anxiety.

Now, you could say that's because I don't care about anything. Well, I have dreams. Dreams that Joji and I will meet and fall in love. While, this sounds frivolous, it's my choice in what mental escape I want from reality. A healthy amount of fantasy can keep you going in life. My obsession is slowing down, naturally and that's good, but I really love George Miller (Joji). I love his creativity. He created this whole universe of characters (Filthy Frank) and he's freaking hilarious.

I think my favorite Filthy Frank video is Born In The Wrong Generation. It's a classic. And it's completely like something my husband would do... just goof off, but rant in a really funny way about something. My husband was crazy like Filthy Frank (I know it's s fictional character, but it's from Joji's brain- there's some truth to it!), but sweet like Joji (seems to be.).

And who knows? Joji could be an asshole in real life, but I will more than likely never find out.

And by the way, if "Run" is based on a real girl from Joji's life than what the fuck is wrong with her?!? Lol. Unless, like I said, Joji is actually an asshole in real life! I don't know for sure... .


Anyways, this whole yin/yang thing could flip around again, to where my friend seems good again and the people at my work, bad. Really, though, I know, just don't take things, personal. I get that. But, I'm in a lot of pain and distress and for someone not answering my text who is supposed to be my friend... ๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’


Can I just imagine that Joji is singing about a woman he hasn't met yet (me), that he will fall in love with (as long as he's as cool and sweet as he seems to be! That he really is a lot like my husband, like he seems to be, which is why im like... ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ over him. Lol!), when he sings these lyrics in "Sanctuary":

"Souls that dream alone, lie awake.
I'll give you something so real."

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm on a writing spree, apparently, but I want to mention this!:

I want to ask if anyone watches John Wolfe on YouTube. Well, he shaved his beard because of raising a certain amount of money on a charity live stream. And that was weird enough! But, then, he had his girlfriend (I think?) put make-up on him. Then, finally, he ended up in a dress! He was surprisingly, kind of cute! Lol. And it still pisses me off how gorgeous MaxMoefoe is as a woman! Lol. I may start watching his videos. Ive started watching Idubbbz. I think Max, Frank and Idubbbz were referred to as "The Cancer Crew," lol. Anyways... Then, at the end DomPlays was on the stream and his reaction to John's new look was so funny! Man, if there is one YouTuber that's actually louder than Jacksepticeye, it's probably Dom!


I don't know where I went with all this. It's pointless texting my friend, so this is like a massive text to this website! Lol. I won't get hurt, if I don't get a message. I don't expect them. Besides, I don't know anyone here in real life... or do I? *Weird Vsauce music plays* Lol. This lady was supposed to be my friend.

When I bitched about this at work to anyone who was listening, if anyone was. Lol - this is still a little saddening, but I'm getting number and number to it. I just need love and attention, so bad. I guess I was spoiled by my husband! I know I was! I just need a good friend. And if I can help somebody, in some way that would be fantastic because I figure if I can't get help, I can still help others, maybe. There's no reason to lash out at the world, and I should in fact, do the opposite and maybe try to help... not the whole world, obviously, but one person would be great!
I forgot what I was originally saying -- oh yeah, when I bitched about her not texting me back, i was like, "She must be so busy in her quarantine - trying to find a cure for cancer or something." No, because, seriously - I thought I was an anti-social bitch, but when you're somewhat being forced to confine yourself to your house and you can't go anywhere (because non-essential, or "fun" businesses are closed - the movie theaters, bowling, etc. with understandably good reason!), or hang out with anyone, you'd think it would be nice to still be able to communicate with people through texting and/or phone calls... Yeah, it would. โ˜น


If you don't have an edgy/dark humor, I would not suggest watching Filthy Frank. (Before, I move on... when I first wrote the word 'have,' in the last sentence, it came out as 'habe,' at first. Not even kidding. Lol. "Can I habe a hamburger, pliss?!" Love Pink Guy. He's my favorite rapper. I'm completely serious. I don't listen to much rap at all and Eminem may technically be better, but Pink Guy is more consistent in that I can just listen to almost any song of his. Whereas, with Eminem, I'm much more picky and choosy. I love all the piano in Pink Guy songs. Pink Guy is a Filthy Frank character and yes, Joji plays him, as well... along with Salamander Man [nyesss!], Safari Man, Chin Chin, etc. Okay, anyways...) If you do have edgy/dark humor, I do suggest Born In The Wrong Generation. It's not his very first video, but it's a classic. The first Filthy Frank video, showed him as more of a nerd and... he talked about... shit... literally. Lol.

I could go on and on. Actually didn't watch as much Filthy Frank as I've been watching today, but my obsession came out in my writing!


I would love to meet Joji someday, simply so that I could tell him that his comedy and music helped me through the grief of my husband and this pandemic.

I get insanely depressed and contemplate suicide and if all I have is crazy stuff I can laugh at and music that soothes me, than that is what I have! Hard to not be obsessed... especially when he reminds me of my husband. And I've said that about a few other men, but that was just elements of their personality. Like, just as an example, Jacksepticeye. His overall energy is a lot like my husband, but he lacks the edgy humor. Some people even thought my husband was half-japanese. So, does Joji also look like my husband in some way... yes, actually. He's probably the same height (which, is minor...), but much more importantly... he has such a cute baby face and that is my thing, apparently! Lol. And I actually love that he looks SO innocent... And maybe he mostly is. Joji's music is nothing too crazy... BUT, he was able to play these insane characters. Granted, he said he drank when he did that. Well... my husband drank and was crazy and fun. When he was actually sober, he was really mellow, pretty serious, still a little goofy... that's what Joji seems like. My husband... also, had seizures. !!! I know, I know... I'm just missing my husband so bad that I'm reaching to ANY reminders. But, let me have a dream, a fantasy, if my life is almost nothing, but pain. โ˜นโ˜นโ˜น

More strange coincidences... my husband gave me a small pink guitar... a ukulele of sorts... PINK Guy songs often have ukulele! A lady one day a while ago, gave me a PINK umbrella!

My husband died on April 18th. I remember always looking at the clock at 18 after... any hour. My therapist told me he was saying, "Hi." Now, when I see the number 18 anywhere, I say, "Hey Monkey Man," in my mind.

Joji is in a song called, "18" !

I know, I'm getting carried away.

Joji is so hot that he can wear a goofy pink costume and make goofy faces and still be hot.

Joji is so cute that when I watch Filthy Frank, I think Filthy Frank is cute. Especially when he breaks character... Whether it be in a Filthy Frank or Pink Guy video. Because his laugh and smile = โคโคโค


Okay, I've gushed enough over dude. I just... don't have a life. Lol.


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