wet blanket
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2020-03-30 15:49:39 (UTC)

I haven't had a body ..

I haven't had a body trigger in a long time. By "body trigger" i mean something that has made me really self conscious or bad about my body.

I have always struggled with body image. My entire life I've compared myself to my incredibly skinny sister. Obviously I don't blame her for being skinny or anything but sometimes things just line up in an unfortunate way,
I was never the skinny one.
I've had phases of anorexia and bulimia, obviously neither lasted long enough to raise concern or show results.
I just think maybe it's something I should strive towards. I thought/knew I couldn't paint and then I wasn't bad,
Maybe this is the same.
I just feel like i've completely lost my sex appeal. I don't want to create problems because we've had quite a few over the months. It's not like I'm saying connor thinks i'm ugly or hideous either, He loves me not matter what. I just think there might be more of a spark if I was "sexier".
Is that what relationships are? trying to find the balance between comfortable and sexy?
I just feel uncomfortable and fat.
It's disheartening that either I feel like a mind with a lot of potential in a lazy fat body or an energetic body with a depressed and anxious mind.