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2020-03-25 23:37:37 (UTC)

Out of order

When I was born my dad was on the run. He came to the hospital and held me. Growing up my father wasn't really there. I talked to him on the phone and visited him sometimes. I remember smiles , laughs , hugs , love , and much more when I was lil. When I started growing up I started getting depressed. I've always loved my older and younger siblings. But , when I found out I had a lil sister... I was upset.. I was my dad's first daughter and my mom's too. I thought I wouldn't mean anything to him anymore.. I started feeling suicidal and being negative at a really young age. I started hating my father , and now I regret it.. Not everything was his fault , and I don't know what he's going through.. It wasn't fair to blame him for everything.. I blamed him without know all the facts and everything I needed to know.. I was in pain and I blamed him for it. Till this day I still wonder , when my dad gets out.. Will he go to my granny?.. Or his other babymama and be with most of my other younger siblings?.. That question is stuck in my head and I can't get it out.. Not all this stuff is in order , but it's fine.. All those years of depression I kept to myself , and later on I exploded.. I couldn't take it anymore.. In 5th I started cut lines while people were around. I gave a letter to my teacher saying I was going to stab myself in the heart with a knife on my birthday. When I started showing that I was depressed my mom found out about my depression and she got me help.. But , I had started going to therapists before she really found out.. I had to take depression pills , go to therapists , counselors , I got put in a hospital 2 or 3 times then it was inpatient , and outpatient when she found out about my depression and stuff.. I just felt like dying.. I felt like I had no one.. Every time my mom got mad at me I went down stairs and cut myself and said to myself "You're so stupid! Why would you upset her! Why can't you just make her happy?.." I just felt like everyone was better off without me.. I would sing to myself.. And I would cry.. My dad kept saying "You're strong." I kept telling him "No I am not strong! You don't understand.. I am in pain.. Dad , I'm hurting.."I just wanted to disappear.. I always wonder what my family would do if something bad happened to me.. Would even they care or notice I was gone?

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