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2020-03-28 23:21:00 (UTC)

different energy

"Untitled Love Song" by Angels of Light

March 28, 2020 Saturday 11:21 PM

Last night I masturbated and then immediately started crying, which is, like, the exact opposite energy I was feeling a few days ago. I dunno, I've just been feeling anxious about school starting up again, and I was trying to do homework but I couldn't focus, so I decided to masturbate because it usually makes me feel more awake and more relaxed. But this time I came and cried and basically my anxiety didn't go away lol!!!

Part of the crying, I think, was because I'd had a nightmare the night before, in which a witch a wich. A witch climbed on top of me and I couldn't stop grinding down on her leg, even knowing my sister and family were right there, and after I came I felt so ashamed. They didn't say anything and they didn't look at me—it was horrible and I felt really shitty after waking up. There was more stuff in my nightmare, generally awful things, but whatever, ya know? Who do be carin'?

Anyway, today was kind of better but I am very anxious again so I will probably go to bed. I think I had another nightmare last night but it's hard to remember. I had a couple hopeless thoughts today and yesterday. Along the lines of, what if I never get better? What if it's me that's fucked up, and it has nothing to do with anything else—and I'm just letting myself be fucked up and I won't ever get better because I have no self-discipline? Stuff along those lines. I need to stop thinking about it. I'm getting a headache.

The guys from upstairs that made a noise complaint a week ago came down to the apartment today because our CO alarm was emitting an end-of-life cry. They helped me fix it up. One of the guys is in his thirties and the other one looks very young, around my age; I can't read their relationship. I at first thought due to the age gap that they were father and son, or uncle and nephew, but idk. The older guy was apologizing if they'd been noisy in the past week. Turned out they'd been high!!! For like four days!!! He took twenty-six potent edibles!!! And the kid had had 5!!! They woke up and their apartment was covered in SHIT, lol. Plus, they were drinking the whole time. I have no idea how they survived, lmaooooo.

So, yeah, idk what father would give his son a bunch of edibles, so maybe they're lovers??? The young guy is cute. Oh. The older guy also offered to pick me up some edibles if I wanted, and I was like, sure!!! Idk I'd take them if offered, but I do know I've taken edibles once in the past and I was basically out of commission for 12 hours. Interesting and bad experience! Basically, I'd rather be alone if he did give me some.

That does explain why a few days ago I heard someone scream, "SIT DOWN AND MAKE ME A FUCKING DRINK," at, like, 4 AM hahahah. I really thought they were fighting lmao!!!

Oh, also, stuff with Diego has been giving me slight anxiety. We facetimed for a few hours earlier this week, which was really niiice, but I worry things are getting too couple-y considering the distance... And also, knowing how fickle and wilting my own emotions are... I'm just waiting for the inevitable point where it ends? Idk what that will look like—maybe one of us (probably me) will develop feelings for someone else (unlikely in social isolation and, for him, lockdown). Or maybe I will be like, "Hey, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I can't touch," or maybe he'll say that to me, and then we'll have to set up a whole boundary system and just... ugh.

Then again, Diego is a chill guy. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I never have to worry about whether he'll be okay—because he will. And that's so comforting, in an odd way. He'll be fine. So let's just let this stupid childish thing happen for now, and it's fine.

Okay I have to pee. My head hurts a lot. I think I'll just watch a lot of videos and pass out. I was supposed to do homework.

Oh, also. Nadiya is sick with a fever. She's isolated in a hotel in Singapore, and they've told her to continue doing that; if she has trouble breathing, she is to be taken to be treated. I really, really hope she's okay.