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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-03-28 16:44:07 (UTC)

Empty Reality


10:49am

I ate bacon & a 1/2 a scrambled egg for breakfast. That will hold me over till later tonight or tomorrow. I shouldn’t have eaten the egg but, I try. I’m allergic to them, but once a week I attempt to eat at least a 1/2 for the nutrition.

I was told I look tired today. I have been taking a 1/2 of a Valium the past two days to help relax me and try to clear my head a bit. I’m tired of my head being over filled. The Valium seems to help relax me a bit. Maybe I need to talk to a doctor about getting on a daily prescription to help ease my mind during the days. Not sure what it would be. But will look into it.

Everyone is up, popping in one of my favorite Anime movies, Princess Mononoke. And then will possibly grab a nap. I am tired. I’m always tired tho.

Other that this, I am ok. I’m not overwhelmed at all. We have some rain today. I may be staying till Monday, depends on if Barbie will babysit for Monday. I have to head back and be home by Tuesday to deal with Limp, he claims he’s off work and can get everything out. Then he can stop the head Agnes and control issues. I’d like to be able to get him completely out of my life. He’s no good for me, I don’t need the head games, I don’t need the abuse.

Ahh, the comment... “I have to go over here and get my head straight “....so just another reason to use his medications. He talks about how he over analyze things till he figures it out, but I have no clue how that’s different to what I do. Only thing is, I can’t focus on what I need to analyze. I can’t get that one thing out of a mind of full thoughts. But I’m not going to ask, nor bring anything up I need to discuss. I’ve learned. Don’t talk about things in my life. No different than any other relationship I’ve been in. Male relationships, other than friendships, do not want to hear, nor listen to what women have to say. This is why, people like me, end up talking to ourselves, which is probably not the best idea in the world. Another reason why I’m always in my head.

Tried to message Nascar, but things in my opinion, have gotten strange. The communication isn’t the same. I’m assuming that something I said has changed his views on me. But that’s ok, I did know that this would happen when I posted earlier yesterday. Live and learn. I just need to not be honest when it comes to people in my life, when it comes to personal stuff. It’s ok tho, I have me, myself, and I to communicate to. Not the best thing in the world. But when that’s my only option, I will take it.

Well, I just got the “you took your friend request back off FB?” I said yes, if you didn’t accept it, then I will wait, if you add me, then great, if you don’t, great too. I’m not going to push or beg.”. Reality is, I am not going to worry with it. I will find other people who want to talk to me on FB, if they don’t, then great. He didn’t chat with me anyway. So now it has to be via phone, so just another reason for him to ignore me during the week till Thursday rolls around. That seems to be how it’s been the past three weeks, so I’m kinda used to it. Why would it bug me now? It did the first week, possibly the second week, but after the second week, I got into that mindset of just a weekend thing. Not a big deal, not the perfect thought nor wish that I wanted, but it’s all good. I can learn to change my mindset to the weekend friend with benefits thing. Eventually, I’m assuming that he will change later down the road, and I won’t be in the same mindset. That’s what happens in all my relationships. I know I normally take a long time getting mentally into the mindset of being completely committed, and when I do get there, things have already changed because I took too long, and they never stay faithful and things go down hill fast. Now, I am head on into this friendship, in a very short time, and have learned things like he doesn’t want to be tied down, so since I became emotionally connected and invested, I have to change my ideas on this being a long term relationship that will grow and blossom into what I wanted. It’s all good tho, things for. a reason. Maybe I needed to drop my standards and ideas on relationships. Maybe I was too cautious, and this cafe free attitude is what I need. Maybe this will open a new door for me, help me grow, and learn to rid myself of abandonment issues I have.

(Sighs and shrugs)

Who knows. Time will tell.

I know my Valium is working, and I’m getting tired, so may lay down for a bit. Take a nap. Just vegetating today. It’s cold out still and due for some storms later.

The music 🎶 is playing...nice, I haven’t had the music playing in a day. So time to close my eyes and drift off into my thoughts and mind into the music.

Till next round of my mental state.....

~Twisted~


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