Shine

Shine's secret place
2020-03-27 17:24:43 (UTC)

Do you love your family?

I was speaking with Jaime about this today, he said I was just being honest.
I don't really care about my family, I don't miss them at all. Keeping in touch with them for me is more like a responsibility rather than my willingness, the relationship is like a constraint instead of a safe place where you can truly trust, and rest your legs when you're tired. I know I should love them and be grateful but I just don't, or say I can't. I'm confused that if it's because I can differentiate my emotions and feelings too well or I'm just cold.
I'm such a terrible human being! I sometimes even doubt if I have the ability to love someone unconditionally, not about power and control. I constantly start disliking myself when I notice that I'm not as passionate as others or I'm not warm-hearted as others while I should be like that too. It just bothers me too much, since they love me that much, it should be mutual.
It's just like it's hard for moms to admit that they don't love their children, in some cases. Your family should be the thing you love and care about for Asians so I feel guilty for I'm not able to do it. Maybe I'm westernized in this sense, appreciate individualism, not collectivism.
People say when you can forgive your imperfection, shake hands with your true self, it means that you are a real grown-up. Seems like I still have a long way to go.


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