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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-03-27 14:21:37 (UTC)

Staying Afloat


430am

Well,
I screwed up.
I ended up deleting people I love out of my life.

The comment that pushed me....
DD2
“Why don’t you call your therapist “......
Me
Cause it’s after hours. I’m supposed to call people on my support list.
DD2
“Are you being funny?”
Me
No
DD2
“Why are you so down every time I call” “I can’t take much more” “I can’t help you get out of your head”
Me
If I’m causing you problems, I can solve that
DD2
“I’m going to take a shower, I’ll call you when I’m out”

5 minutes, and he was online. Didn’t call or text, so I saved everything and deleted DD2 off everything.

It hurts. I love him. He’s family. My son loves him.
I’m done. He’s not going to understand, nor forgive me.
I’m sick of the heartache.


7:07am

I went back to bed.
I’m so exhausted today. The super exhaustion hit last night.

My mind is sitting here saying “you’ll be ok”....
No one that you deleted really cared, or they would leave a message. Which is true. Even tho they are blocked, it still leaves a message in the block area. I know this because I had one there from NY about a student loan I don’t have. DD2 has my email also.

DD3 is upset. I don’t know why, I left him on my list. I’m pondering deleting DD1 tho.

Why can’t I be happy? What is wrong with me? What’s causing the sadness and darkness feeling?

This isn’t just a depression thing. My head feels heavy. My heart feels heavy. I feel empty. I feel like I’m not ever going to be in a relationship. I’m too messed up to be in anyone’s life. It’s not fair of me to mess up other people’s lives.


8:55am

What a morning.
(Deep sigh)

I ended up calling Nascar. Laid it all on the table. Screw it, right? It’s called trying. If it fails, then learn from it. Thank you. Took a lot for me to trust.

Then, BabyFace called. Chewed me out. Cried, screamed, heard the usual “you don’t support me”, “you’re not helping me”....She hung up on me twice. Mad because I said her sister is not clean and it’s not a good idea to put a drug addict in with a drug user. But she sees me as sabotaging her recovery.

This alone is stress I have troubles dealing with. Might try and go back to my Thursday Alanon group. Just have to get my vehicle fixed.

(Deep sigh)

There was a wasp in the house. Ended up killing it, safely. I’m allergic, so was nervous but tended to it.

I’m feeling a little better. Still fighting the battle of the tears. I’m hurting...not physically.

I have stuff to do, so am going to get busy. Am more than likely going to over do it.
Praying DD2 will love enough to forgive & help mend things.

DD3, I don’t know what I did, I’m sorry. You, nor anyone else, is the reason for my break last night. I’m overwhelmed, dealing with a ton of things, and trying to stay afloat. I’m alive, that’s a positive. I’m not sleeping the day away, despite everything, that’s a positive. I didn’t SH, that’s a positive, I didn’t drink, that’s a positive......So please, I NEED support, and UNDERSTANDING, no matter how batty and loco I get.

~Trying to stay afloat~


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