All that is
Ad 2:
2020-03-27 01:43:43 (UTC)

the feels

this corona thing is really playing with my mind. in ways. In part I'm tempted to explore my darker side more deeply. Not to spiral with abandon, but to take conscious note of the journey down there, like tacking post it notes to mark the path. the thinking i suppose is that i have the time - not compared to when i had to be at the office everyday and so had maintain some semblance of keeping it together and as you might imagine, achieving that entails self restraint and discipline. So that's what i've been doing. since today actually.

I had a brownie early afternoon. then regretted it an hour later when the sensation kicked in and i answered a call from ej. immediately i recognised that robotic, shy, reclsuive tone i get when im under the influence. Under the influence. I've never used that term to describe myself before, or any state of mind that i've ever been in. just thought that worthy of noting. but the regret subsided once i talked to myself a little bit.

ej. music artist. seems sincere, by accounts so far. if he's bulshitting he's doing a pretty great job of it. i have a feeling there's a trap there somehwere or that what im experienceing with him right now - our daily chats on facetime, our increasingly casual expectation that we will speak to one another or any given day. is it all manufacutred? because of our quartanine states. every thing feels magnified becuase we can't see eachtoher so the angst is there? every now and again he says something really bold that makes me realise theres another side to him that I've only ever seen flashes of. i've given him my speel:

" So I wanna be straight forward with you because I recognise that everyone has different attitudes towards sx. I know that for a lot of people sx would typically be on the agenda at this point. And i respect those people, like go get it. But I’m mindful of my boundaries and I‘m more deliberate about who i slp with and how I’m feeling about who I slp with. By that I mean, I typically wouldn’t have sx with a guy that I’m not exclusive with.
I feel content with that. I’ll listen to your thoughts but I’m also comfortable with whatever you want to do with this information.
I’m gonna say to you what I would say to a friend, I think that if you’re in a place in your life where you’re not sure whether you want to be in a relationship then you should honour that and be on your own for a while to figure out what you want. Or be in a casual arrangement with someone who wants the same things you want right now. For me, I know that want to be with someone who knows what they want and is sure about wanting to be with me. Talking to myself. I've been doing more of that lately. but there are still things that i do not say to myself. it's like my fear of 'what will people think' that inhibits me from completely being myself in the presence of other people extends to me. like, how? "


I feel relatively certain that for him it's about sex. or rather it's going to be about sex since we haven't fucked yet. i saw him talking to 'ydichina' on house party today and it shook me a little more than i care to admit. less so because he was talking to another girl, more that it was the same girl i saw on his story a few weeks back when i had been casually stalking his profile and that of any one that seemed to know him well. well, she appeared to be one. the first, a story of hers that he had re-posted on his story - ej sitting on a spinning chair, in a visit to what looked like a salon, she had just applied mascara to his eye lashes, stepping back so that we the viewers could see his entire face and torso on the chair. and the second a photo she had taken of him, captioned with only 'Ej'. At the time, i had felt curious enough to want to know more. But today when i saw him talking with her for a good 45 mins (they seemed to do combo of group chatting and locked rooms - i would nurse a flicker of hope when i saw both their usernames appear among a list of four or five other people. and i would feel my heart sink as i watched as the other names dwindled till it was just their two usernames, before changing to a locked room. the room was locked for a good 30 mins in total, if not more. I bristled a little, mildly jealous. i paced around in my head for a good 20 mins or so..elchi called and i somehow roped her into checking for me, what she could see of my chat. as she finished doing so, i called sdq and we spke for about 30mins. still affected by the knowledge that ej was talking to this girl, i translated that jealous energy into playfully lamenting to him about how the house party app was weird and too close for comfort that i was feeling overwhelmed not just by the app but also by the overall constant communication, people getting hold of me whenever etc. I i had to turn my phone to flight mode last night. he listened well, and as usual offered funny musings that made me laugh.

there is some context around my response to this girl, though. the girl in question isnt a total stranger. i first saw her on a saturday evening while i was out with dfni. She sat on the panel of a talk at the aaf as one of the arttists. I remember thinkig to myself what a beautiful face she had, but also that her overall demeanour whether serious or not had a self-deprecation that made her brand of beauty accessible and that her eyes and smile always looked playful like she was suppressing a giggle about an inside joke she had with herself. it was so alluring i felt a teeny bit of attraction to her. the panel finished and that was that. I would see her months again at a new years eve house party wth chba. by then he and i were already well into the first round of what would become a lengthy breakup process. Still we banded together positively, in the spirit of crossing into the new year with someone of emotional significance, never mind the story. at first i wasn't sure, but when i saw her repeat it a second and third time, i knew. each time she would glance at chba, smiling playfully and letting her gaze linger for a second or two. and every time as my head would turn just a hairline short of catching her red-handed she would furtively look away smiling. her 'inside joke' smile was there every time and Ii my mind i nursed the idea that she was allowing me to 'catch' her. like she felt i was no match for her. that's an invitation to come and fight if i ever saw any. thankfully chba was already in love with me at the time so i felt fairly confident in the fact that the only girl at that party he wanted was me.

That was new years eve 2019. Exactly 1 year later, on new years eve 2020, chba and i end up being at the same nye party. i was fiending for someone else, true, but as fate would have it here we are. weeks and months beforehand, on and off, chba told me he was basiclaly still in love with me. i go away and end up bumping into chba again. this time that same girl from nye party 2019 is standing beside him they're having a chat. she turns to face me and on her face i think i see a flash of recognition or a flicker of guilt, one of the two. i wonder whether her guilt comes from having her arm around the guy she knows i was once involved with or whether it's also because she and i both know that this time last year, she high-key-low-key tried to square up with me.

And this is the same girl i see talking to ej in a house party locked room today. somehwere in some insecure pocket of my mind, she somehow has all the ingredients that make up the kind of woman that ej would pursue seriously. and i have to keep reminding myself, often in vain that i do not know ej well so how would i know what he would pursue. and then i move on to the thought that i have done what i said i woudln't do which was place ej on a pedestal. when it was pre-corona and we only talked before or the day after we saw each other, and i was still having evenig dates wtih two other people i didn't get too comfy with him. i also have to remind myself that it's not about him, its about me. what do i want? he doesn't get a pedestal because he hasn't done anything pedestel worthy. he has never bought me a gift, he has never asked about my parents, what is my mum like what is my dad like (but then again nor did cm and he seemed to love me v much), he has never asked me out on a real date. i just had a thought , - i bet this corona thing is. god send for broke niggas who wanna date a girl but not have to take her anywhere. and i suspect he may be one. i don't want money to be a deciding factor in how i feel long term about a guy, but it im being honest with myself or am forced togive reasons to my decision, then money is deffo one. not necessarily willingness to spend it or not but rather their relationship with it. do they think of money in purely selfish terms? are they stingy? do they fear losing money? those types of things. what has he done? i need to pause him for a couple days and go back to intentionally getting to know others. i allowed him too much headroom, relative to my other objecst of attraction. now he's in the lead.