༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-03-27 00:36:53 (UTC)

Erase


I’m back.
7:30pm.

Still have this angry feeling brewing. Like I just want to snap someone’s head off. I have no clue what is brewing. I get I’m angry at myself. I get I’m angry because I can’t figure out what to do, what’s causing it, no clue how to fix it, no clue how to work through it. I’m feeling pretty stupid at the moment.

(Deep sigh)

This is times when it’s hard to focus. Hard to focus on anything. I get swarmed with all kinda feelings.

What can I see:
1. My salt lamp
2. The water next to my bed I wish was something else
3. The cat sleeping at the end of the bed

What can I taste:
1. My cigarette

What can I smell:
1. Weed I’m not smoking
2. Alcohol I’m not drinking

What can I feel:
1. Heaviness in my heart
2. Heaviness of my head
3. Heaviness in my chest
4. Smooth clean soft skin
5. The deep still healing marks on my thigh
6. Tear finding a way out of my eye

What can I hear:
1. Dryer in the next room
2. Kid bouncing in the living room
3. Music playing
4. My heart beating (meaning I’m alive)
5. Silent screaming in my mind

I’m NOT crazy. I’m not. I don’t hear people talking to me. I don’t see things. There’s just something I can’t put my finger on. Something has me upset. I was fine. Took a shower, sang along to the loud music. Felt proud I kept safe, despite my thoughts.

I’m just going to be a bitch here, and say, maybe I should do something. Maybe it will push whatever is going on out. Right?

It’s hard fighting the urge to cry, and no idea why I wanna cry. (Fukin Idiot) yeah, I said it 😂🤣. Maybe it’ll help? 🤣😂 I’m either going to look crazy, since I feel crazy, or I’m going to force myself to laugh and put my mind in a hold so to speak.

The urges......
The urges.......
The urges........

I think, I’m going to do something stupid. I’ll probably regret it.
(Let me grab my medications before I do what I’m thinking of doing) maybe I’ll get tired and won’t do it.

Yeah, so I don’t forget what I was thinking....delete everyone I know and talk to, disappear on social media. For good. Just block everyone and never be back. Delete this, and go back to paper journal.

That’s the first option.

Second, third, and fourth aren’t worth typing out. If I get to the fourth, well.......

Aight........I’m going to erase everything. everyone.


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