༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-03-26 22:29:07 (UTC)

Clustered Thoughts


Kids all fed. Bear 🐻 is home.
She can take over.

I’m beat. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, and sleep. No idea why I want to cry. Something I’m not dealing with. Something I’m ignoring. Something is hurting me internally, but can’t put my finger on it. Do I bother trying? No. Either I will continue to subconsciously ignore it, stuff it, or it will smack me in the face later. And then I will be forced to deal with it.

I have a tendency to run. Ironic. I was on the track team in my teen years. Instead of physically running which I can’t do anymore, I mentally run.

(Theory of a Deadman - History of Violence)

Wow, as I said, every time I write, a song pops on that hits home.

I’m going to be grabbing my shower. I’m going to see and feel my thigh, it’s going to bring thoughts, ideas, urges.....

Well, let’s do this......

V-Validate
I-Imagine
T-Take small steps
A-Applaud myself
L-Lighten my load
S-Sweeten the pot

Alright, focus here.....how can I validate? No clue
Imagine....that I can do two ways....the behavior, or not doing it
Applaud...only if I come out and have not acted. However, I can applaud the fact I am aware of the urge and that I think it’s becoming an addiction.
Lighten my load....for real? That would mean vacation, escape and get around family/friends that are supportive and will help talk me through it, not judge me, and will help keep me safe.
Sweeten the pot....I don’t even wanna comment on this one 🤣😂.

What else can I do to get me through the afternoon. Something to keep my mind off things. Omg...one of my songs....

(Three days grace - left right wrong)

Well, I could finish my tattoo design. I have a smaller one I’m designing that I want to get. I’ve been needing a tattoo for a few months. It helps ease the urges of SH. Last time I went through this, I got my tattoo on my back, down the spine area, hurt sooo bad but felt soo good, man, I felt like I had died and went to heaven from the pain. It helped get me through for a couple of months. It does help.

(One sec, snap going off non stop)

Ahh, 4 different people.

1. Bear LEGO waffle maker lol
2. Chicken wings (YOLO)
3. DD3
4. DD1

DD1 asking finally how I’m feeling. How sick am I, etc. told him to stop trying to grow his pot overnight. 🤣 he sends me a video of his garden....so funny, he can’t remember which group is his weed seeds 😂🤣. I don’t think there is anything that kid could do to have me not love him. Nothing at all. That’s unconditional love. And he has the same for me.

Anyway, where was I...well, if I can’t remember, that’s a good thing I guess.

Listening to Creed - My own Prison

While I listen to the yelling and screaming outside in the kitchen/living room. I am NOT getting up. I am OFF DUTY! I have been up with the kids for 12 hours. This is my time. I will turn my tunes up, sing, and take some medicine for my physical pain that’s hitting an all time high of 10. It must be going to rain.

I’m going to grab medicine and a steaming hot shower, jam my tunes as loud as I can in the shower.
Will possibly write more tonight.

Till then....

Dazed & Confused


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