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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-03-26 18:42:25 (UTC)

I am who I am


10:48am

How sincere 😂🤣 resend my message back to me instead of your own. 😂🤣 w.t.f.
(Shakes head) w.t.f. Am I doing? I mean, seriously, just walk the f away....better advice....run! Run as fast as you can, don’t look back. Nothing is going to get any better. Only thing better will be the “out of site out of mind thing”, and you can train your mind to not hurt from it.

Guess who calls.....hour & half, I’m impressed. Wanted to know why I said I wasn’t coming, then I said “I’ll think about it” and asked me “what’s going on with you, now you have to think about it “..... but, when I mentioned I tried calling to bring them the food I had, “I didn’t wanna drive halfway”.....so yeah.......knew he’d be calling to ask.
(Mind set....just a weekend thing girl) don’t get attached.

Almost talked me into going. I know exactly what’s going to come of it. Just the usual weekend call. I have difficulty believing it’s more than that with him. I may be wrong, but I doubt it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy going up there, I do, Sheldon absolutely loves going. He looks forward to it more than I do. That says a ton, he’s never been that way with anyone.

12:43pm

Kids are eating lunch.
I’m Upset.
DD3 is upset from a post I made. Doesn’t ask me to explain, so I will do it here.

1. It’s not that I can’t have you talk me off the ledge.
2. I do trust you, that’s why you have been an important part of my life for 15 years
3. I don’t come to you in those times because I don’t want to upset you, worry you, and I get embarrassed having to admit I have that urge/struggle because it will hurt you.
4. DD1 is not attached to me like you are, so I know it’s not going to hurt his feelings to hear what I want to do. Yes, he cares, yes, he loves me, but I don’t think if I was to disappear in the world he would be effected. He would continue his life as he does now. So that makes it easier to talk to him because there’s no deep feelings there. He’s a bit callas in the heart and refuses to allow anyone into that spot.

Hopefully that helps you understand. It’s nothing personal.

And no, I have not SH today, I said I wanted to. Ended up getting a phone call that distracted the urge. Then had to feed kids, switch laundry and gave things to read. So, if I do SH I will say, I relapsed and SHed. But I have not done the act, only admitted the urge...desire...addiction.

1:50pm
Well, read the entries. This is why I don’t like sharing my journal with people I know.
I get I don’t make phone calls often. The only person I talk to on a daily basis via phone call is my daughter. I only talk to DD2 once a week via phone. I talk to DD1 maybe twice a month via phone call, and DD3 on the phone twice a week, sometimes more. I’m not a phone talker, sorry. It’s harder to hide in a phone call. Seriously hard to hide in real life because my eyes give me away. So yes, everyone else is snap or fb. I’m not one to call people, I rarely call my doctors. I’m sorry if that bugs people. Just how I am. I’ve never been a phone talker, and over the years, I really don’t talk much at all. I’m pretty quiet in general.
DD2 complains all the time about me not talking. I never know what to say. I’ve learned over the years to keep quiet for many different reasons....

1. Open my mouth and get hit
2. No one truly gives a shit what I have to say
3. Only thing outa my mouth is negative
4. People don’t truly listen
5. When I talk it’s a rerun of something I’ve already said
6. If I mention people then I’m hung up on them


So, yeah, I say what I have to, what people expect me to say. My journals have always been my honest thoughts and feelings, but if this is going to cause problems and issues I will shut it down and start fresh or go back to my paper journal and my therapist will have to deal with my sideways print outs....prints twisted, just as I am.

I have no issue saying I’m twisted. I don’t see things the way normal people do. I’m ok with that. It’s me. I’m very aware of myself in a ton of aspects. I just lack confidence in myself. I can KNOW myself, but that doesn’t mean I like, love, or have confidence.

I’m going to stop here. I have things I have to finish doing, kids that need to be tended to, and I still haven’t gotten the shower I wanted to get.

So, till later tonight....
I am who I am, sorry that you are disappointed and hurt.


Ad:2