༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
Ad 2:
2020-03-26 15:04:39 (UTC)

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8:12am

Just sprayed down the house. Everything.
Been chatting with Nascar this morning. I don’t know what he gets from talking to me 😂 but that’s ok. He seems genuinely concerned, but then again, could be the usual front. Yep, I see it that way. Will I ever change in that aspect? Probably not. Only thing I have changed on, is, I don’t care if things go south. I truly keep things at a distance, and make sure daily, I remind myself, things could go south, don’t get hurt, don’t let yourself be vulnerable.....so internally, even tho, I love someone dearly, and deep inside it would hurt, I mediately put myself in the “I don’t care” mode and ignore the hurt.

I’m waiting on BabyFace to call, and am prepared to get the run down on her phone. I doubt she will give me the password. That’s ok.

Got the third kid up, was told he was up after 2am, so he is to do chores, homework, reading, etc. no tv, no electronics, no playing. So will have to check on him every 10 minutes or so to make sure he’s doing what he needs to.

I’m going to wash bed sheets today. Normally do it on Fridays, but would rather have it done today, because I have no clue what I’m doing this Friday. Normally I have some idea. But my head is torn for this weekend.

8:28, BabyFace called, guess she called GQ last night instead of Barbie. Assuming she got the number from Barbie. And of course, neither one let me know they were talking to her. That’s my kids for ya. All I hear from them is what they want/need/demand or when they are sick.
8:34 she had to go.....said she will try calling back later.
It’s all good.

8:49am
Trying to get “Rad” to do his chores. Caught him playing, and am trying to stick by his mommas rules.

Going to do laundry and clean the kitchen. So
TTFN


9:50am
(Popular Monster - falling in reverse)
The lyrics to this hit home. I have the music blaring in my ears (won’t go any louder unfortunately) to drown out the ringing that never goes away, to drown the thoughts that seem to multiply by thousands as I blink my eyes....and of course none of it I can sort and focus on.

Got two loads of laundry done, stuff for lunch ready, drank a pot of coffee, dishes half done, the whole house sprayed and wiped clean.
So, I managed to be productive, even tho it’s simple stuff it’s an accomplishment.

Still fighting back tears that I have no idea why they are wanting to fall....but I don’t like crying, so pushing them into a dark deep well seems to be my solution. The urge to SH is there. I have not, but I think it’s an addiction. I seem to have that giddy hyped up feeling when the visions the razor in my hands, and then my heart races when I vision the blood 🩸 pouring out. Not sure why it’s a bad addiction. It’s better than alcohol or drugs. If I can keep it from being too deep, what’s the harm? It helps me, I’m not hurting anyone else. Why do people see it as a problem? I don’t see the cons to it. But I can see the positives....

1. Gets me to feel (endorphins)
2. I’m not harming anyone
3. I’m letting emotions/feelings out
4. It helps my head focus on that emotion at that time
5. It’s leaving a mile marker to whatever I’m struggling with
6. It’s not a health hazard

I clean my blade before and after each use. It’s in a sterile container and hidden where only I know where it is. No one will see what’s been done.

I can’t explain why I have the urge, other than addiction. I get a good feeling from it. It clears my head temporarily.

Anyho, going to post this, dye my hair, grab a shower, then feed the kids lunch. And will post again later tonight.


Ad:2