༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-03-25 11:55:51 (UTC)

🖤Unorganized 🖤

Good Morning.

It’s sad, I never know what day it is, unless I look at the calendar. I never can seem to remember what day it is.

Been coughing all morning. My chest is hurting. I have the shakes. Haven’t even had my morning coffee yet. Didn’t set the auto maker up last night, so making a pot now.

I’m tired, but Pacino keeps waking me up, so am up. Hate he has no boundaries. Always up in my bubble.

Read an email I received. I have one of the sweetest, best friends anyone could ever ask for. Not an email of lecture, but what they see to be positive about me. I seem to have always struggled with my self image, ever since I can remember. I’m 5’6, and finally down to 148 pounds. I’ve got curves, but of course, my age, 49, keeps me from the curves I want. I’ve had five biological children, so honestly, shouldn’t complain. I look much younger than I am. I am not overweight like most women with five children. I think my struggle is the fact I can’t walk the miles I used to, can’t do a lot of physical stuff I used to do to stay toned. So, I see the fat. I see the extra baby skin my body can’t be rid of unless I have surgery. I see the face, not firm tight skin, so see my age. All things I should accept, but struggle at.

With the Fibromyalgia, I am unable to walk the 6 miles a day I used to do. It’s only been a year almost of being forced to stay at home all day, everyday. With my IH, I have issues of falling asleep behind the wheel, so I don’t drive far, nor often. Too risky. With this virus crap going around, it’s required to stay at home anyway. (Just realized I never did go for the walk I wanted to do yesterday, but did drive to town, so was outside maybe 30 minutes.)

I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know few of my personalities. They have helped me get through many struggles in my past life. Sadly, I will admit 9 of the 10, I struggle with on a daily basis.

BPD:

Symptom #1: Eccentric Behavior
Symptom #2: Changes in Social Interactions
Symptom #3: Unstable Self-image
Symptom #4: Self-harm
Symptom #5: Severe Emotional Swings
Symptom #6: Paranoia
Symptom #7: Chronic Feeling of Emptiness
Symptom #8: Intense Anger
Symptom #9: Fear of Abandonment
Symptom #10: Altered Sleeping Habits

Not sure why I’m writing all this....convince myself? Remind myself? I don’t know. Even my paper journals have no structure and order to them. Odd because I have OCD and seem to struggle differently from time to time on that. It never stays the same. One time it will fixate on organized dishes, my cups are labeled each day of the week, and I have tried drinking out of a different cup on a different day, and my head screws with me, I end up unable to, and go into a frantic panic looking for the correct cup for that day. I even have certain silverware I prefer to use, and have difficulty using something different. Same with my plate and bowls.

(632am)
Well, the Turkey is up. He is laying next to me. I’m trying to get him to relax another 30 minutes till I am able to be fully awake and functioning. Will grab a cup of coffee.

Ok, coffee is slowly soaking into my veins. My daughter no longer drinks my coffee because she calls it Trucker Coffee. It’s strong, it’s black, but not bitter. The coffee I buy is specialty blend, I grind the beans at home for my own blend.

Ok, where was I.....
Not sure, brain still doesn’t want to work. I just want to sleep all day. Chest feels like a ton of concrete blocks are setting on top of it.

My thigh is killing me. The cuts I think are too deep from the past few weeks. The one bled for over a week. The skin was cut so deep that it ended up splitting open pretty wide, thought I was going to need stitches. But I think I damaged something, because it hurts to touch the skin, hurts deep. Almost as if someone fist or knuckle punched and it knotted up....

Well, the Turkey is getting restless, so need to find the strength to roll into the daily motions. Then will open my notepad and continue with my unorganized writing, that seems to be pointless.

Till later—-

🖤Pinky 🖤


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