༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-03-24 14:07:40 (UTC)


Been a long time since I’ve written on here. Decided to give it a whirl on here, and will still write in my paper journal. But it’s easier to share this than my paper journal.

Let me start by a fast update from the 2 years I have only written in my paper journal.

Relationship became physically, mentally, emotionally abusive....surprised? I’m not. How things roll in my life.
Had a few deaths in the family within the past 6 months.

I’m attempting to grow, but have skipped back into the world of watching my insides pour down my leg in a warm soothing sensation. Takes a lot of deep pressure to get that painful tingling feeling....I get a faster sensation from the warm red poison pouring out than I do the physical pain. I seem to have blockage on the self inflicted pain aspect.

Anyway, got side tracked.....I had to quit working, due to IH, Fibromyalgia, IBS. All those affect my daily life. As well as lately, my head.

My daughter and grandkids moved in 6 months ago.

I’m attempting to screw myself in another relationship. One that I was told, will not last. And after comments like “I won’t be tied down”, I’m guessing, that statement may be right. I’ll write more on the current relationship further in my update.

Well, I’m depressed today. I’m exhausted today. I’m battling the tears today. I’m battling the urge to self harm. I want to feel the physical pain so I know I’m still alive somewhere inside. Emotionally feeling numb. Like that outer body type feeling. Like you’re sitting back observing a movie.
Not sure if this is going to bite me in the butt, but am willing to roll back into the online diary world.

My daughter called. We discussed our CBT and DBT and tried staying positive for each other. She reminded me to not be hard on myself. That, I struggle with. Specially when I have trigger comments.....like last night “You’re so negative “. But others I chat with say I’m positive more than I’m negative. I personally, think I’m pretty positive, despite all the trials in life I’ve journeyed through. Maybe I’m not as positive as some, because I’m not high all the time? I actually am facing crap head on, face first, and with a non medicated mind. Would I enjoy being medicated, yeah, I do know it would clear my thoughts, I wouldn’t have the physical pain, but it’s not legal. I would not be an all day smoker to it....I’d use it at bed time if needed. I do know I have enough control to maintain that, I do not abuse my medications now. I know my drug that I’m weak against is the lovely white candy.

I’m told “I won’t tolerate.......” so there’s stipulations to our relationship, but if I was to stipulate something, we would be done. Feels a bit one sided. Is that truly love? Going through my Facebook posts, asking what or whom my posts were meant for because they feel it’s directed to them. If you feel it’s directed to you, then there must be something you feel you’re doing that needs changing? My posts are bipolar.....one minute a positive, one minute a negative. That’s me. That’s my head. I have not mastered the ability to shut the thoughts off in my head. I’d like to, just be a zombie, no feelings, no emotions, just vegetate. I think if I could accomplish that twice a week, I wouldn’t be so loco.

Someone in my life makes joking cracks about how I’m “hung up” over my ex’s, but someone mentioned, “They are hung up on their ex”, and they must be, they chat still....I don’t chat with my ex’s. Nor do I care to be friends with my ex’s. I’m questioning a lot in my current relationships with people. I think only two are semi healthy relationships. One is more like a love/hate relationship. One is confusing.....when face to face, things are clear, but when not face to face, things get clouded. Started out making all the time in the world to chat, communicate, but once the face to face happened, that changed. They got the chase done and reeled me in, now it’s just.....I don’t know a word for it.

(I will re update as the day rolls on, have to stop here, grandkids are up and life continues despite my lack of energy and motivation)

10:30am and grandkids are at it, fighting, as they been doing the past few days.

I’m so physically tired I am struggling to get motivated. I do keep my list of five things to do today very simple because I have a habit of being hard on myself. My new therapist is actually helping me, the last one I had, felt more like someone to chat with, but I never felt any growth on my end.

My list today started super simple.
1. Make my coffee
2. Feed the kids
3. Do a load of laundry
4. Vacuum
5. Go to town for fuel & smokes

That’s it. Very simple today. I just don’t have it in me to push today. That’s ok. Something in me is saying I need a break, so I’m not going to feel guilty for taking one.

(Deep breath, deep sigh)
It’s funny how I see things. DD2 said last night....”you got upset because someone was online & not talking to you?”, but that wasn’t what bugged me....it was the fact they stated “I have a headache and going to bed” but was still up. I stopped having expectations of people being there. I have one I know I can count on, the rest....well, I’m not going to beg for their attention. But when I give what they give, it will be a problem. Odd how people are.

I am thinking of not making the trip this weekend. I don’t know if that will be an eye opener for them to figure out I am sick of the possible head games, or will it push them away? I want to go, I enjoy going, but this back and fourth mind trip my head goes in is not helping me. Kinda like my relationship with DD1, I’ve learned to put my mindset in that love/hate state. I do, love him, but reality is, nothing will come of it. There’s things that bug me, and it would just never work. But, I can’t change the love that’s there. Beautiful inner soul, his laugh, and other things give me those butterfly 🦋 feeling, but thankfully, too far away to ruin the relationship we have.
I wonder how truly DD2 wants things to work, or if it’s just a relationship to “fill a void”. Like stated, I get that butterfly 🦋 feeling and face to face, can believe what’s being said, can laugh, relax, not feel judged, but when not together, the mind twists and analyses everything. One of my flaws and quirks about me.

This being locked up and the weather crappy does not help a thing for me.

I am going to close here for the morning. I need to get up and do something. Just realized, my music is off today.....so might grab my music 🎼 because it seems to help me focus on something other than the thoughts in my head.

So, till later, I will close here.....
~Dazed and Confused~