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A Gracious Offer
The night before last, A and I had a video chat for the first time. He called me cute and I said he had a great smile. His face seemed more animated than his voice, if I'm honest. He wanted to take it to a sexual direction, naturally, and I reminded him of the existence of boundaries. I said I had to draw a line. He said he was well aware of that line. He said, "you fuck me in the ass with that line." I honestly don't know whether to feel guilty or desired. He clearly wants me in a way that C doesn't, a way that I need along with everything else. The more I think about it the more I feel greedy for wanting everything, that I'm asking more than what the world gives an individual at a time.
A offered we make a pact in this difficult time with the virus spreading and there's so much uncertainty. The pact was that when we're able to meet I give him 48 hours in which I forget my line, I obliterate all boundaries and trust him to show me a good time; take me places, doing stuff together, and of course, have a lot of sex. He said the reason he asked for 48 hours so that we do things other than staying in the bedroom. When I asked him what sort of things, he said I'll have to agree to find out, that he knew my taste. That was tempting most of all, to find out if he really does understand me, if he really does know me as well as he thinks he does. It's safe to say what ignites my passion is seeing I'm understood, or at least seeing an honest attempt at achieving that, rather than making assumptions and simply demanding. I guess C demands AND understands but it's hardly in the domain of sexual intimacy. And I suppose my "nagging" is simply knowing why that's the case. I should just stop asking him these questions, period. Just pass the time we have left apart as something to endure and focus on other things. A, on the other hand, seems to offer what C seemingly lacks. So, yeah. The temptation is great.
I was flustered with providing an answer so A asked me a hypothetical question; if he died the next day, would I have regretted saying no to the pact? It's that simple according to him, if I would feel regret then I should agree. If I wouldn't feel regret then I should say no. I took the matter seriously and the next day I told him the answer was a no. But swear to the gods, I'd be lying if I said I'm not fantasising about him and how those two days could have passed. The truth is I wouldn't stand lying to C and I wouldn't feel right keeping A a secret. Saying no was the right thing to do and when I said that to myself there was no regret whatsoever.