a fine day for a-pocket-lips
"A.M 180" by Grandaddy
March 17, 2020 Tuesday 9:20 PM
Diego slept over again. He had his flight back to Texas around 11 am today. We fell asleep around 3 in the morning maybe, and then we woke up a couple hours later. And we cuddled and talked for, like, 4 hours. Hard to remember what about. Did not feel *super* platonic, lol. Which, deeply inconvenient. I don't know. We talked about how I behaved. He said something like, "I thought I sensed something empty, and I didn't know... if I could fill it, you didn't let me fill it, or you didn't want *me* to fill it," and it was sooo vague but I kind of know what he means and I'm kind of... upset. But it's fine. I don't know, we were talking like that, and I got freaked out some part through, when he was talking about eventuallly/hopefully picking up "where we left off"—but I was honest about being freaked out, saying that I wasn't sure about the romantic part, and it was okay. It's so hard to remember.
He was rubbing my back at some point and it was really nice, my shoulders and back hurt so much. And he was rubbing my arms a lot and he was like, "you're surprisingly muscular," haha. He kissed me on the cheeks and nose and neck a few times towards the end part, and I kissed him once on the cheek, felt like I should've maybe actually kissed him but I think I would've—been too confused. This is a weird thing we got going on here. When we said goodbye at the front door, he said, "love you," and idk what sort of love that it but it's love anyways, right? I was sad.
It's such an odd thing, because I do feel drawn to him, but I look him in the eyes and I can't feel attracted to him. I think what I like so much about us is that he's so open to his feelings (reminds me of Liv) and he makes me feel so, like.. secure. I know he likes me, I know I'm safe and he won't do anything to hurt me and he won't make me feel bad ever and he won't need anything from me, all he wants is to be near me and that's it, he won't... anything else is my decision. And it's still so strange, because I guess I know he likes me intensely, but I don't know if his interest is sexual at all. It kind of doesn't seem it. It's almost just like he wants to protect me.
As for me. I think, on one hand, that's a bit shitty, to want someone only because they make me feel safe; I might like him a lot, and miss him, and do romantic/sexual things with him (in a hypothetical relationship), but all of this is an attraction I am using to bolster my own fragile sense of self—it has less to do with him. He is my friend, who loves me, and so I like him.
On the other hand, I think, it's not like these feelings necessarily have to be intense. In fact, intense feeling can be really fucking crippling. So maybe there is just a gap between expectation and reality, in terms of how I feel. It isn't a violent sort of attraction, maybe a very dull and distant ache, mostly existing now because he's gone and will be for a long, long time. Possibly forever? I dunno, maybe this is all okay, and how it should be.
I'm sad, though. I'm in mourning. Of something. Everything feels weird and bad. Not just this—this among others. Although I'll admit, as I told him, this probably wouldn't have been allowed (the cuddling) if he weren't leaving so soon. He kind of laughed at that.
Nadiya may be leaving on Sunday too. I don't know, I think I want to throw up a little. I'm okay. All right, bye.