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2020-03-16 16:03:44 (UTC)

where i'm anymore

"Summer... It's Gone" by Grandaddy

Summer, it's gone, and I don't know
Where everyone went and where I'll go

March 16, 2020 Monday 4:04 PM

The day is cold. Last night, Nadiya and I drank a lot of wine, and then drank vodka and orange juice with Diego while watching Paranorman (not as good as Coraline). Then partway through we smoked some of Diego's weed and watched the rest of the movie in my bed, and then watched Parks and Rec. I peed, like, a lot. I am pee queen.

Nadiya eventually went to bed around 5 am, very sad and crying, because right now is really hard for her. Her parents are trying to convince her to go back to Singapore, but she doesn't want to because she doesn't like living with her parents (similar to what my situation was); but they are scaring her, and everything is stressful, and she's sad about Greg as well, since they have a complicated romantic/platonic relationship and to her he doesn't seem to care as much as she does.

Diego slept over and we cuddled. He likes me too much, more than I like him, but I knew that. The crush I had on him passed, so I didn't like it when he kissed my hand and kissed me on the cheek. He's generally respectful, but he gets carried away. I said, "stop," and he said, "Is that stop or stop stop?" and I said, "stop stop." But the cuddling was nice. My body reacted as it would with any boy (or any person, actually, lol), which is that I got super wet and had a few horny thoughts, but it was fine. I slept okay, although I'm a bit hungover today. I just asked Diego if he was okay with having cuddled last night, because he seemed to be more into it than I was, and I feel kind of guilty. Okay, very guilty. So if I did something misleading and bad, I need to know so I can apologize and adjust my... ugh, what does it matter? He's leaving, like, tomorrow, and because he's a senior, I will probably never see him again. Really. I don't see us visiting each other or anything, and the shitty thing is, although I like spending time with him and it's nice that we can just casually chill together, I won't miss him that much. But still, I don't want to end our friendship on a weird fucking note. I really don't. I've had too many of those!!

I went outside today a couple times. First to get a bagel sandwich, and then a half an hour ago to get some coffee at my favorite cafe. The seating area was completely closed and they were serving coffee out the window. The day is very brisk, so I was cold. The lady in front of me took a long time to order her beans and coffee, because she had a very complicated order (it cost her like $40 for 2 1 lb bags of coffee!!! holy shit! I get a pound and it's like $15). She also talked a bit with the barista. And when she turned around and saw me there she said, "Oh! I am so sorry," which is weird, that she didn't know I was there, since before she ordered she had asked me if I had arrived first, and I said, no, I don't think so, you can go ahead.

As we were waiting for our orders, we chatted a bit. I am surprised by how much I enjoyed talking to a total stranger, even though it was small talk. I wonder if I'm a bit socially-starved; mostly, I've only spoken in person with Nadiya these past few days. A couple other people briefly, but not really. Anyway, the lady was very nice, she said she thinks everything is closing. I couldn't place her accent. She's a Brown employee. She said she really likes the light roast. Sometimes it seemed like I would ask a question and she would answer with a complete nonsequitur, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

The whole cafe thing really disturbed me. I had been wary of sitting inside the cafe anyways, as it seems kind of morally irresponsible, but I didn't expect for it to be the way it was. A walk-through coffee shop. I wanted to cry, once the lady left me alone. When I got my grounds, I walked home, still very worried, looking at the makeshift paper sign on Amy's saying it was closed, and on the block near my house the Portuguese store which said, "Closed due to C-virus. See you soon!" I swear, that shop is never open anyways. It has strange hours. But oh well. Fuck, I was supposed to get quarters today. I wonder if the bank is still open. I'll call and ask tomorrow.

I started crying when I got home, because I'm kind of scared. It feels very apocalyptic. I wonder what I will do if Nadiya decides to go back to Singapore. I will miss her, but I understand.

Ah, Diego got back to me. Here's the messages—

Me: also, r u ok with having cuddled last night? maybe I’m wrong but i feel like u had some feelings about it that i did not and I’m really sorry if i pushed some much-needed ~boundaries~

Diego: It’s so hard to know how to respond lol.
I know I can come across as like, who knows what I’m thinking, since my affection can maybe be a little much. Not to mention it was just a long time of wanting some way to express those feels with you.
I was just pleasantly surprised and happy you trust me like that.

Me: :)

Diego: Sorry if the kiss was pushing it. I’m just a big dumb sap lol
Diego: In my head it was like a forehead kiss u know

Me: both r equally off limits to me, it’s so intimate

Diego: I get you, I guess I didn’t see it as more intimate than the cuddling

Me: u know what, that’s pretty fair, i just happen to associate it w romantic stuffs
Me: but do not worry :) u r good

So that was it. It breaks my heart a little. I wish I really liked Diego, he is so sweet and respectful and transparent with his feelings. Secure in them. I'm glad I decided to talk to him though, this was going to bother me otherwise. I am so relieved... and yet, really fucking sad about this. Sad about everything, really.

I told my parents if they want me to come home they can come get me. I don't want to go home, really, but I do worry very much about my folks and if it makes them feel better for me to be there it will make me feel better too. I want to drop out of school, is that bad? I just.. I hate college so much lol. I am so done with it. But I don't know what else I'd do, haha. Get out of here, go to Russia, teach English, idk.

Also, forgot to say, my psychiatrist upped me to 200 mg of lamotrigine. I am relieved. I want to get out of this apathetic depression. Maybe all I needed was some sleep. Some brain-rest. I just feel so...

Okay, I'm going now. I'm meeting a friend for dinner in an hour and I want to play some minecraft before then. Get my mind off things.