Where Pelicans Fly
March 2020 (1)
3/1/2020 Sunday 1:13 PM
What's the point of living with old people that are quiet when they can just hire people to make plenty of noise for them and then some? Although, I think the sawfest may be momentarily done. When Tom walked down to pick up the mail, he noticed a wooden fence he hadn't noticed before in back of their place. That might have been what they were working on. Pretty sure I saw planks of wood yesterday leaning against the worktable. But then why didn't I hear hammering if they were beating in a new fence? That's okay, though, I heard enough.
Today is cloudy and cool and we might even get a drizzle of rain for a few minutes. The planes are obnoxious because the cloud cover reflects their sound back down to the ground. I could hear them over my blasting headphones on my walk earlier. Right now I have the air cleaner turned up high and Alexa playing brown noise yet I can still hear a bit of a rumble. Winds are heading north, so the planes will be a problem past midnight. I won't be up all night, though. Tomorrow we’ll be back in the 70s, regardless of what direction the wind is going.
Still a bit crampy and kind of teetering between spotting and a light flow. Every other minute I'm sure I’m going to get a full-blown period, and other times I’m not sure. I've lost my water and sore boobs. I just don't understand why I'm going through this so late in life. I know some women have periods into their late 50s but that's not usually the case in this country. I also know that being fat can delay menopause, but come on, I'm not that big. The question is whether or not this is enough to reset the menopause clock or not.
I'm doing well but not great on my diet. I've had a few things I shouldn't have had, and I could afford to drop my calories lower, but I'm doing well enough than any normal person should get results. I'm not as hungry as I was the first day either. I won't be weighing myself until Saturday. Doubt I'll be down but do I want to be? Well, on one hand, it'd be nice to have control over my own body and to be able to lose weight if I want or need to, but when this fails as everything else has, I can relax, eat when I'm hungry, know I tried my best, and then just hope I don't gain much more or become diabetic. So there are pros and cons to both, actually.
When going through On This Day, I came across an entry in 1997 where Tom woke up really horny and then said he was “too horny” to get off after another round of cumless sex. You would think that would sound absolutely batshit crazy even to his own ears. That simply makes no sense at all. That's like being too cold for a jacket. What I don't understand is how he could be okay with it even if it was true that he didn't want kids. I mean, I know everyone's different and we're not supposed to be judgmental or intolerant and all that, but who the hell says that? Who the hell could possibly be happy with that? Well, he was either the best damn actor in the world or yeah, he was that much against being a father that it was a problem he wanted to keep rather than go to any doctor about it. I'm glad in the end that he didn't, but I still wish we didn't have to go through that shit. I should have trusted my gut instinct that knew I would never be pregnant, I should have gone by his actions (and some of his words), and one of us should have gotten fixed.
3/2/2020 Monday 12:24 PM
Kindle has this thing called Word Runner which is cool. It allows you to read more, faster.
One way I know I'm not losing any weight on this diet is that I'm not hungry enough. I'll find out for sure this weekend. Definitely feeling good, although we both agree I was getting carried away with the eggs. Even just two eggs puts me over the recommended cholesterol limit for the day. I love eggs and I could have them every single day but it's better if I only have them two or three times a week. Even that may be a bit much. I know my dad was recommended just one egg a week.
So Dixie wasn't ghosting me after all. Just busy. I sort of feel bad for this now, but I made a “prank” call to her yesterday evening. I blocked my number first, wanting to see if she would answer and she did. I figured that if something was wrong with her email account, she would have used another one or called. I said to myself, okay, that's fine. At least I now know there's nothing wrong with her. Not going to fight for her and not going to take her back into my life later on if she changes her mind.
But then I woke up to a reply to the message I sent her 3 days ago. She wished Tom luck with getting a new job and said that they're in transition as well, trying to find help with Diane since other programs are full. I won't miss that loud obnoxious bus that used to pick her up, that's for sure! I hear enough shit around here as it is. The blue SUV is at Dahl's place so I'm sure they're going to be sawing today, though they took yesterday off. There was a little bit of hammering from a termite company at Trisha's place.
Got my haircut by the same girl that did it the last time. I told her she looked familiar and asked if she was the one that cut my hair the last time and she said she thought so. She remembered my “gorgeous blue eyes,” which are really green of course, LOL. Anyway, my hair is just long enough to put in a ponytail. It's one of those lengths that's not considered long but isn't literally short either.
I'm none the wiser where my period is concerned. Just what the hell is going on? I didn't end up getting a full flow and I'm starting to doubt I will, but what am I going to do...keep spotting forever? I'm hoping it will start tapering off today. I went 11 months before my second to last period, then made it almost 15 months before this period, so maybe I'll make it 20 months before the next one.
3/3/2020 Tuesday 4:00 PM
While I don't regret the time we were friends or whatever we were, I don't miss Nane. Nor would I talk to her if she ever contacted me. The older I get the bigger my don't-look-back attitude grows, I guess you could say, yet I certainly don't wish her any bad luck.
The constant sawing at Dahl's place is really getting old. Again, this is NOT the place for that shit, and it's been going on for months. I don't care if the guy's wife died. He's too fucking noisy. Or whoever's working for him. It seems I’ve seen this navy SUV from the get-go, so I’m guessing it’s a family member. Especially if they’re going to work until 8-a-fucking-clock. Poor Geri, though. She's got it worse.
Today I don't see that SUV and all has been quiet there. Just tons of landscaping sounds because this is the worst day for that here. I'm hoping that since I don't see the workbench in the carport anymore and that because they worked late last night, that they're done with this project. Could be just a week before the next one starts but I'm hoping this one is done. I saw sheets of plywood that makes me think the person was replacing part of the floor.
While I'm still open to many different options, it's going to be a tough decision as far as what state and what climate to go to. The only thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to go where they have real winters. My first thought, especially yesterday when I was listening to all the racket here, is to go rural, which would mean going colder because we couldn't afford a big enough piece of land in Florida. Humans are just too noisy a species. Where there are people, there is noise. But then I know that if we got a house on a few acres, we'd only happen to get welfare bums on one side, someone with 4 huge dogs left outdoors all the time on the other, motorcycles in front, and loud car stereos behind us. Knowing that I'm noise-cursed, we may as well pick a better climate.
Another negative to going rural is that since we’d buy the place outright, all we could likely afford would be an old dump and I don't want to not have the money to fix it up and make it what we want it to be. Therefore, we may as well get a newer place in a Florida park. There are quieter parks than this. There are even quieter parts of this park. It's just that we ended up on a busy street on a corner. There are parts of this park that get less traffic and landscaping even if they would still be in the same flight path we’re in. So if I’m gonna have to hear shit no matter where we go, I can at least hear less of it in a nicer place with warmer weather as long as we avoid flight paths and busy streets. I'm just tired of worrying about being woken up when I'm asleep and listening to so much shit when I'm not. No more cities either!
While colder temperatures are better for sleeping and working out, and while I'm a little more sensitive to heat than I used to be whether it’s because I’m older, well-cushioned, or due to my medication, I can still adapt to heat easier than cold. I hate being cold, and when my meds force me to cut back and make me more hypo and therefore colder, it might be easier being where it's warmer.
If we ever do get a quieter place, it's going to seem weird at first just like the thought of not having to wear a jacket in November did when I first moved to Arizona and swimming on my birthday. After living in a place where the frequency of noise is so high, it's going to seem strange. I'm going to be expecting to hear certain sounds that I'm used to hearing, as much as I hate them, and it might seem weird that I don't hear them or at least not as often. Until it gets noisier with time, of course.
I'll be going to the lab Friday and that will make three weeks of full doses which means that any time after March 20th, I'm going to get stabbed since I can't seem to beat 5 weeks.
We went to my old dentist earlier and was held up by the usual slow drivers along the way at times. There are so many people here that love to go 5 miles below the speed limit. Then we had to listen to car stereos at almost every light we stopped at, so I played the radio most of the time.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to say goodbye to Dr. Hall. She's already gone. Holly is going to stay there, but I decided I would just get a female dentist closer to home. They said all I have to do is sign a release of information form with whoever the new dentist is going to be.
It's a gorgeous 75° out there now. We're going to go out for a walk this evening.
I finished watching The Killing, so now I'm watching new episodes of Obsession.
We have about 10K right now, maybe a little less. We should be okay for a while, but again, I can't imagine coming even remotely close to losing this place.
Some guy I didn't even know was cyberstalking the Parkland victim's families got 66 months. They couldn't have just said 5.5 years? Bastard will probably be out in half that time.
Still waiting for my period to stop. I started spotting on February 27th and I'm still having a light flow.
Decided to deactivate the Twitter account I was using to tweet my wakeup pics. If all Aly is going to do is ignore my tweets to her and prefer to tweet more to Molly than to me, why bother? I asked her about Molly's provider and device, claiming I got a blog visitor from Austin and then commended her for seeing Molly for her true colors and ghosting her since she was a step up for Molly but a dozen steps back for her just to see what she said. She said that all she knew was that she had an iPhone.
Then, before I mention deactivating on Twitter, I found that she'd deactivated the account she was connected to Molly on. That can't be a coincidence. It just can’t be. She's got to know I know about that account and the only way that would be possible would be if she either had a tracker or was hacking me. But why didn't she block my other Twitter accounts as well which still exist? she had her tweets protected, so whether or not I had an account and whether or not I was blocked or not, I couldn't see her tweets anyway.
In reality, I don't care if she wants to be connected to Molly anywhere. I just don't want her blocking me. Maybe she did that figuring it would stop that account from being suggested to me. I don't know, but I'll tweet my wake-up pics from my health account. So, I'll just have my health account and my private account.
Didn’t realize how funny my FB profile looks on the phone since I rarely see it there, LOL. I usually only see it on my desktop when I go to pick up messages. Tom was laughing his ass off when I showed it to him.
3/4/2020 Wednesday 5:17 PM
Well, that didn't last long. The damn bastard is back to its usual sawing. When Tom picks up the mail tomorrow, he's going to see what he can find out. This is just ridiculous. Even Mrs. Twenties is starting to get sick of all you hear around here. She sent a message around the time I got up apologizing for the noise, saying they had to repair something in one of their cabinets. I told her I didn't hear a thing and that it was the guy at Dahl’s place getting on my nerves again. Besides, she and Jon are excused because we just love them. :) They love us too, she says. But this saw-loving guy’s got to go. I'm not going to listen to it every other day for 4 years!
I was teasing Tom (playfully) about not being able to build muscle as easily as I get mine naturally even when I get lazy and neglect to work my arms as I have been lately. I use the Pilates ring a little, though. I still admire his consistency. He's really been sticking with it. He may not end up with this kind of muscle but he’s still able to lift some things easier than I am having longer arms than I do.
I think I might have sprung a cavity in one of my upper molars behind the bridge. Guess that's my fault for not using the Waterpik. The button would get stuck at times, so I switched to using dental sticks. But they don't work nearly as well. I know regular flossing would be best but I'm paranoid to use that ever since I popped a crown. We're not insured yet, so I'll keep up with the Waterpik and see if that helps. We need to save every single penny we have for emergencies. Plus, there are no guarantees his unemployment request won't be rejected, and that's going to take time to kick in anyway. It could take up to a month.
Did some research and found a promising dentist who's from Cali. They now have this really cool laser thing to replace that horrible dental drill, but unfortunately, it's a lot more expensive. If she has that, then hopefully she'll have a numbing agent without epinephrine.
The coronavirus is getting closer to home. First case was reported in neighboring Placer County. That's the Auburn area. I'm still not worried about it because of the odds which is much like the lottery. People are funny. When they play the lottery, they're so sure they're not going to win. Yet even though the odds are the same or lower, they're afraid they're going to get infected. Go figure.
When, oh, when is this period ever going to end? Still having a cross between spotting and a light flow. This is bullshit. Just utter bullshit.
Didn't sleep as well last night which is why I'm a little tired today and why I remember a few dreams I had. I even napped for about 20 minutes.
I guess I had a job and one dream. I'd been up since 6 a.m. and after work, I spontaneously join someone to go to some kind of group meeting or something like that. I have no idea what it was for, but we took a train there at around 7. I realized I was getting tired and asked what time we would be home. Someone's answer was shortly before midnight. They said it would be best not to let my eyes close otherwise I wouldn't be able to open them again. I was worried about staying awake and the fact that I would only get a few hours of sleep before work the following day.
Then they began to serve dinner which consisted of roasted chicken, rice and a fried egg.
The other dream was in the Phoenix house. Instead of being a closet off the utility area, it was a bathroom. A couple of women with some kind of disabilities were living with us. They were staying in the back room. I was asleep in the master bedroom and woke up to pee. I assumed Tom was working. The sun was already up. I thought the bathroom by the bedrooms was in use, so I went around to the other bathroom to find that it was in use, too. On my way, I noticed the front door had blown open in the wind and I closed it before finding the bathroom by the bedrooms now unoccupied.
Oh, how interesting. Someone going by the name of Nunya is now friends with Molly. Of course, the account is private, and they only have 1 follower which I'm sure is Molly. I wonder if the “seesall” part of the handle is her way of admitting that she knows more about what I do than she should. I hope she wasn't the one who saw an entry I accidentally made public on MD that should have been private. Fortunately, I caught it pretty quickly.
Anyway, if it really is her, she only has 19 tweets. The way Molly tweeted “I’m here for you girl I should do that to roman too” makes me think it definitely is her because of not only the handle and the fact that she only has one follower and so few tweets, but also because Molly doesn’t have anyone else she tweets with regularly.
Sometimes I get the feeling that she's about to dump me and I don't know if it's because she already has once or because it's only natural to wonder about at times since people get dumped all the time. I wonder just what it is she should do to Roman as well. Ghost him?
While Aly certainly has been a great friend in many ways and for many reasons, I realize she isn't the truest of friends. Too many secrets and lies.
3/5/2020Thursday 8:24 PM
Tom has his resume completed and is being picky about what jobs he chooses to apply for since they're plentiful at the moment. He has a phone interview with Unemployment but not until March 19th. Damn! What do people do that don't have a savings? It's probably pushed out that late because some of his pay includes vacation time. Hopefully, by then he'll be employed somewhere. Surprisingly, there aren't that many 3rd shift jobs. At least he doesn't have to settle and take the first available job.
He found a way to “sex” dentists. I was getting frustrated because while I was able to pull up the names of dental offices in the area, that didn't always tell me who the dentist was. But when he found where to look up dentists by name, he was able to find an American woman for me. The only accent in this country I don't care for is the southern accent. She's not only from this country but she's from the state. Her staff seems white as well except for one of them that could be Indian or Muslim, but I don't care about that. I care about understanding what the hell the doctor says to me. That’s what’s most important.
The whole process took just over 2 hours from the time I first called and spoke to someone named Rachel about whether or not they were accepting new patients and had a numbing agent without epinephrine to doing the digital paperwork. I figured they would if they had laser technology and since I doubt I'm the only one with tachycardia. It's called carbocaine.
Then I asked about what insurance they offered since we're uninsured right now and she gave me some names they’re in-network with. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I do have a cavity in one of my upper molars, and secondly, it's probably going to cost quite a bit. Most dental plans just don't cover shit and what we got is actually a discount card and not real insurance. Our old plan through United Concordia was a joke because we had to pay $300 a year for my so-called “free” cleanings. I just hope whatever my newest problem is doesn't get much worse by the time I see them since when you have soft enamel, you can really spring a cavity fast and it can expand quickly.
I was able to fill out new patient information and a release of information form online so they can get my info from my old dentist.
So dentist day is still March 17th, the day after Doc A, just with this new dentist instead of Holly and Doc Hall. She's half the distance away, though, which is nice, at just under 5 miles away.
I loved how Doc Hall didn't have a TV going in her waiting room and there was very little waiting time. I hope it's that way here as well, and no annoying/loud music!
I read some of her reviews and one of the things I liked was that someone lost a crown and they got her in right away.
All her reviews are great, and the place is described as small but homey. It's actually in Fair Oaks.
Two more days till we weigh in. There would be pros and cons to being down and not being down. If I'm not down I can indulge in a little more variety. Low-carb basically means little more than fruits, veggies, and meat with some dairy mixed in. No pizza, no alfredo, no nothing. However, I did have a PB&J sandwich earlier because this is the second day in a row I'm fatigued even though I didn't sleep poorly. I read that this kind of diet might cause lightheadedness or fatigue and that once a week you should add a few more carbs, so I did.
I feel like I'm down, but it could very well be water I've lost. My waist is now down about a quarter of an inch when Tom measured it. I would still be surprised if I was down on the scale. But again, both outcomes have their good and bad. If I am down, I'll do it another week and see what happens. You do get used to it rather quickly and I'm not as hungry as I thought I'd be. The only problem with this diet is that it's not the least bit good for those with high cholesterol and with a family history of heart disease as I have. But then it would only be temporary. I would just do it to lose a little weight and then I wouldn't have to slam on so much cholesterol. My waist is just under 37. I don't ever expect to be in the twenties again which is fine, but it would be nice to get under 35. In doing this diet I've definitely learned to make one seriously damn good cheese omelet!
3/6/2020 Friday 8:51 PM
We went to the lab in the new medical building by Sam's. They have free chargers there, so we gave Candy some juice. Didn't have to wait long or deal with screaming kids. A few brats went screaming into the building as we were leaving but that was it. The waiting room was smaller, and they only had one sign-in station instead of two. It was so cool because we held the paper we printed out two feet in front of it, it took a picture of it, and that was all I had to do.
The dumb but nice guy that drew my blood fucked up on one arm and had to go to the other, but hey, it's not his fault I have tiny veins. He finally managed to get the two vials of blood needed for the TSH and T4. It just took forever. I would be a lot less impatient if it wasn't for the tourniquet. That's what's most uncomfortable.
So now Doc A will wonder where the hell my results are and then they'll try to call me on a phone number that doesn't exist anymore. I updated the number on the portal, but I don't know if that reflects in their entire system or not.
So today makes three weeks of full doses which means the “stabbing” will begin in about two more weeks when I'll likely push down into the single digits. Really hope I'm under 20 which is what I was the last time! I'm guessing I’m going to be about 16. Anyway, I'm sticking to full doses until the anxiety bites.
Tomorrow is my first weigh-in since starting my low-carb diet on February 28th. Even though I feel like I've lost weight, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it turns out I haven't. I told Tom that if I'm down, I'll give it another week just in case it's only water that I lost since I finally finished my period yesterday. Really hope the next one is over a year away! Anyway, if my weight isn't down, we'll run out to KFC and indulge in a treat, LOL. He wants to try the new donut chicken sandwich. I would just grab a few wings and fries.
I haven't been perfect on this diet, but I've been doing pretty damn well if I do say so myself. Yesterday I had more carbs because of fatigue. They say you can have extra once a week, especially if you start feeling tired.
Loving the break I've been getting the last couple of nights from the commercial planes! No one should have to have a sound machine on at night, not that I wouldn't still hear the fuckers unless I was close to it. But the winds aren’t going to remain southerly forever. This seems to be the magic direction that shuts them up. I'm sure they're taking off in another direction and torturing the poor souls living under them.
I actually am starting to feel a little tired so after I push through the rest of this entry, I think I'll lie down for a bit. I don't want to start unwinding for a few hours yet. I have a new routine for that. If it's quiet, I start listening to my book and then I read with Word Runner till I’m ready to sleep.
Tom has been more active on Facebook lately. It isn’t that he's itching to socialize all of a sudden so much as that he has more free time to tweak his account. That way, if he ever needs it in connection with a future job, it will be ready.
When we got back from the lab, I fixed myself something to eat and then headed out for my half-hour walk. However, I saw Dixie hanging out on her patio and ended up visiting her and Diane for a half hour or so.
Dixie is struggling with the usual issues of memory loss and not knowing what to do with Diane. She's still on a waiting list for other programs and the poor woman is incredibly hunchbacked, too. I can't imagine being able to lie on my back in that case, and I would think I would have a stiff neck all the time as well.
After a half-hour, I wanted to get back home so Tom didn't think I got hit by a car or anything like that. After I told him about my little detour to visit Dix and Di, I decided to circle around the lake since it was getting cold and I'd already gotten a bit of a workout running up to the mailbox for Dixie.
I had a strange dream about swapping postal letters with my high school music teacher. Then we met in person. We were at this outdoor fast food place laughing over something we were discussing when I noticed my dad standing in line to order something.
I called out to him and when I went over to him, he seemed like a zombie. His eyes were dead and just stared right through me. Creeped out, I ran to my parents’ house where my mother was.
Molly unprotected her tweets as fast as she protected them, and I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with me. She does this every now and then. Aly’s account was created in January. She tweeted once today.
Why she’s still determined to hide and lie about her friendship with Molly is beyond me but that's her prerogative.
3/7/2020 Saturday 8:50 PM
We got some rain today and it's been incredibly quiet. No planes, no freeways, no landscaping, no nothing. The only one I hear is Tom bopping around in the next room sorting some of his junk. No, not that junk. Computer & electronics-related kind of junk. I was annoyed when he was using the 3D printer earlier because not only do I hate the sound it makes but getting any peace around here is such a rarity that I hated to spoil it with that shit, but fortunately, it wasn't too long before he was done printing.
He's going to get $1,800 a month of unemployment which is the highest you can get in California.
Although I don't know why, my vibe right now is that he'll be back to work in mid-April. I don't know what shift or what he'll be doing but I'm sure it'll be shitty money and he won't be paid fairly. He usually isn't.
I'm already getting a little tired of him being home every day. Because I'm so slow at waking up, I really prefer to be alone at that time. I would have loved this when I was in the worst of my anxiety. I'm still about seven points away from flipping the anxiety switch on, though.
Yes, the results are in for both my thyroid and the diet!
I was betting on a 16 for my TSH, but I’m at 14. I also thought I would probably be down one pound. I would have guessed nothing at all if it weren’t for me noticing changes over the last week. My face is a little less round, I can reach my toes easier, I can bend my leg behind me and take hold of my foot easier. That was getting hard when I was at my fattest. So, because of that, I figured maybe one pound. Therefore, I was pretty surprised to find I've gone from 157.8 to 155.2 during my first week of going low-carb. And dear hubs is actually up a pound. LOL, poor guy.
I'm going to give this diet another week, but I honestly doubt I'll lose any more because my body seems to have a threshold and doesn't like to go under 155. Maybe I can squeeze off just one more pound, but I doubt it, and that's okay. Losing weight as well as staying right where I am both have pros and cons, so I'm fine with whichever one ends up happening. It’s when I get water-logged when I’m PMSing that’s tough. I was waking up at 159 then and so sure I was going to bust into the 160s.
Right now I'm doing this diet more out of sheer curiosity. I want to see if I'm really on to something with counting carbs instead of calories. I'm still older, though, and I'm always going to have an elevated TSH as long as this medication makes me anxious. So, really not expecting to lose much more.
I went a little too low on carbs yesterday which caused the same fatigue I had the day before, so once again I had some OJ and once again that perked me up. Today I splurged a little and veered a bit off course, but they say it's okay to do that once a week. We went to Rite Aid and I got a couple of mini bottles of merlot as well as some chips and one of those truffles in the form of an egg with soft filling.
What's amazing is how low my cravings and hunger levels have been on this diet. Counting calories was always torture for me. I would put up with it when I was younger if I’d gain a little extra weight because back then I had a working thyroid and metabolism and would get results for my slavery. But not when I got older and my weight started getting a bit high in my late 40s.
3/9/2020 Sunday 12:12 AM
Blitz was doing his popcorn dance as soon as I got up and entered the kitchen. So cute!
Wow! There are nearly nine million entries altogether on MD. I'll bet there's way more than that on PB, though.
Dumbcock at the lab definitely gave me a bruise on one of my arms. It's starting to fade but it's weird because I have a slight lump in the middle of it.
After 8 we went out walking for 33 minutes. His tracker told him his average step was 34”. He took something like 102 steps per minute and walked over 3,000 steps in all and went 1.9 miles. Of course we had to see a skunk along the way and smell one as well but at least it was only one. I definitely feel safer taking him along after dark because then I have an extra set of eyes on the lookout for the bastards.
Believe it or not, I'm starting to feel slightly wound up even though there's no way I could be in the single digits yet. That's both a good and not-so-good thing. It's good in that it points away from the medication but also points to something that could be worse and less likely to ever go away. Since he’s not working, I'm not going to cut back tomorrow. I want to see if it escalates or if it backs off on its own.
3/10/2020 Tuesday 5:17 AM
Last night I ended up pretty anxious. I cut my waiting time in half between my poison and coffee and I feel a little better today. Not anxious but not calm. Going to start cutting doses tomorrow.
Tom went over our insurance options with me and it sounds like a very complicated thing to someone like me. I don't remember all the options he listed but the one we're going with is bumping Doc A up till after April 1st since that's when the plan we chose kicks in. Still no guarantees that we're going to stick with the same doctors once he starts working. If his employer offers Kaiser or anything different, we'll have to go with them unless he floats from temp job to temp job. It wouldn't kill me to start over with new doctors, but I would prefer not to have to until we move. Then, I'm hoping that whoever ends up being my PCP in the next state will be about 20 years younger than me and that she could be my forever doctor unless she moves. Doc A isn't the greatest doctor I've ever had. She's pretty average. It's just that I don't want to go through the whole story of my poison and anxiety history all over again and other health issues until we get out of here because it's such a pain in the ass.
Since he has time, he's going to call the doctor's office and explain all about the insurance changes and see if he can get me refills along with the appointment bumped up. Then he can give them my lab results and new number and find out about referrals and all that stuff. With the PPO we could go to any doctor we wanted but with an HMO you have to get a referral.
I made an eggplant casserole for the first time ever and it came out pretty good. It just needs a little more garlic the next time and I gotta cut the cooking time down on the eggplant because a few pieces burned in the middle.
That was one beautiful eggplant he got, especially for Walmart. Even their raspberries were fresh and delicious.
I'm going to be cooking turkey legs for the first time, probably tomorrow, plus a simple chickpea recipe.
The thing about this diet that makes it so worth it even if I never lose another pound is how much less hungry I am. It even stops the random cravings. That's what Teresa said in Estrella who first told me about the Atkins diet and how she lost 18 pounds on it and lost her taste for junk food. Well, I don’t have the thyroid/metabolism to lose more than a few pounds, and sweets and chips are great, but not something I feel I have to have.
We went out walking earlier and took a different route to avoid areas the skunks are more likely to be hanging out in.
Reactivated my sleep Twitter account because I still find it easier to keep that separate and just tweet a pic whenever I get up.
My nails are back to looking horrible again. I still don't understand why they would suddenly start looking so shitty after all the years I've been polishing them. And why do only some of them look bad while others look healthy?
3/11/2020 Wednesday 246 AM
After connecting the dots, I've made things a lot less complicated for Aly by ghosting her. There have been times off and on lately where I've had my suspicions about her ghosting me. Just a feeling that she was gearing up to do that, and what I found earlier confirmed those suspicions. So I’ll do her the favor of letting her go and now she won’t have to “think” about it anymore. I didn't even bother to send any messages to her explaining what I found or why I've chosen to go silent on her. Knowing her, she would only deny it and insist she was referring to Kim or someone else. I may not be the smartest person on earth, but I'm no idiot either.
Molly has a habit of deleting and creating new accounts. I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with me, though. Last night I noticed Aly’s “secret” and private account was no longer connected to Molly because Molly deleted her account. I also knew she would never dump her either. As suspected, Molly created a new account and re-followed Aly. Found it through Aly. Yeah, when I got up, I made my daily check on her and was not only surprised to find it public but some rather enlightening information present as well. So now that I know what she's really been thinking, which she doesn't have the balls to tell me directly, she doesn't have to go out of her way to tweak her settings or profile so she isn't found, as she tweeted, because I certainly won't be looking for her anymore.
There was a tweet saying, “People who offer their opinion when it is not asked for really need to learn to shut the eff up. My life, my relationship, MY BUSINESS!”
Then there was, “Maybe it's time to cut someone out of my life. I think about ghosting someone who really doesn't bring much joy or comfort or even understanding to my life.”
Then, “Amazing how many people forget I recently went through major surgery and don't give a fuck how I'm doing or even ask.”
She may not be referring to me in that last tweet because I asked her this plenty of times. So, unless 20 times wasn’t acceptable and she expected 100 times, this doesn't pertain to me.
Nonetheless, it was then that I really realized that sometimes no matter what we say or what we do, enough is never enough for some people. They're always going to remain the miserable, selfish, spoiled and ungrateful people that they truly are, never appreciating a damn thing you do for them. I have entrusted her with so much personal information about my life and experiences, yet I bring her no joy, comfort or understanding? Really? Wow. I've been there for her whenever possible and however I possibly could be. I've always made it clear that while I may put in my two cents and maybe offer opinions or advice at times, it doesn't mean I'm telling her she absolutely has to go by what I say. I've made it clear to her that yes, her life is hers. At least I thought I did.
Funny too, because just the night before, it hit me that we would probably never meet after all. Maybe she never really intended to come out here those two times she discussed it with me. Three times actually. First, she was going to come out with her ex, then with Cam, then by herself. I get that she's had some financial setbacks but still.
I blame myself for part of this because I should have recognized the signs. Not being connected on Facebook is one of them, as Maliheh taught me. There was also an article I read about relationships and things related to that and Facebook was one of the pointers they made. Plus, she was in touch with others on Twitter but not me. So yeah, I should have been smart enough to know that people are who they are, and they rarely change. She's a natural-born liar who, as I said, can never be pleased or satisfied by anyone. Maybe for a while she can be, then that's it.
I know I should be hurt, angry and feeling truly insulted, but because I've already been down this road with her before, it really comes as no surprise. I should have figured this day was coming and maybe deep down I knew it would and figured I would just enjoy the good times while they lasted. Yeah, I'll miss her at times, but I have no tolerance for liars and fake people. I don't want someone pretending to value my friendship while thinking of ghosting me.
And why the hell does she feel so compelled to lie about her friendship with Molly? I just don't get that one. I've already made it clear to her that she has a right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with whether I think it's a good idea or not and I assured her I would support her either way. Their friendship is no surprise either, though. Aly always did have a soft spot for the emotionally and mentally unstable/ill as opposed to those who are a little more grounded.
With her no longer in my life, I will be able to enjoy the writing freedom that will come with it. Especially as I acquire more of an I-don't-give-a-shit attitude. She's so damn sensitive that she was the main reason I hadn't been sharing much in public and I used to hate it when she would compare what I would put in public to what I would send her. Why else would she look in on me when I was emailing her more than I would actually share since I knew it would likely bother her if I shared certain things?
This doesn't mean I'm going to share sensitive info, of course, or every single detail of my life. It just means I'm not going to give a shit about who sees what I do share. I’m going to disallow comments for a while even though there are a million other ways she could get ahold of me if she sees this and wanted to try to deny that it was me she was referring to but come on. She blocked one of my Twitter accounts, and her tweet about people needing to shut the eff up came shortly after I Skyped her my opinion on her getting an apartment. Then there's the gut feeling I've been having as the intuitive person I am, plus other things.
I don't know what kind of joy or comfort she thinks I haven't provided her with or what it is she thinks I don't understand. If she didn’t talk in riddles as she sometimes does and was more direct, I think I would have done a pretty good job of catching on. I know how to read, and I can learn things, too. But fine. Let her get that “joy,” “comfort” and “understanding” from whack jobs like Molly who is emotionally off the charts, back and forth like a yo-yo, and highly irrational. Everything is so serious with her. Such a crisis.
Ironic too, since she admitted that Molly has an inflated sense of self-worth. This is so true, so I don't know why she would want to be friends with someone like that. If she thinks Molly could ever be a true friend, she's only kidding herself. But that's her right to do so, isn't it? Let her bullshit herself into thinking this amazing “friend” who can barely even write is her true bestie.
Aly is just too full of too many lies and secrets. It's one thing not to tell someone something but it's another to lie. I even purposely said things about her absence on Twitter and hoping she’d come back just to see if she would admit she’s still there and connected to Molly, yet she didn't. Like I said, there's a difference between omission and lies. She specifically told me she ghosted Molly and made like she was no longer on Twitter. That seems like a lie to me.
I don't give a shit if they read this either. Like I said, I won't disclose sensitive info, but I won't hold back my own true thoughts either.
Don't know what I'm going to do with my MD account yet. Gotta think about that one for a while.
Oh, and she also said she was going to leave her “secret” account open for a while and that she would make it private when she went to bed, and she did. So I'm guessing she wanted me to see those tweets. Maybe she felt it was easier to let me know what was really on her mind that way. I would still be willing to bet that she either tracks visitors on Twitter somehow or is able to figure out my online activity. Therefore, she knew when I discovered the account and that's probably why she left it open. I know for a fact that she has spied on me and there's a chance she may have even hacked my old Ask account and sites I keep my journals on that don't have two-factor authentication. She always seemed to know too much about my thoughts and actions. I don't care how smart and intuitive one may be. There are some things she knew that she simply shouldn't have known. Well, how would she get that info without possibly tracking or hacking?
Again, I don't give a shit who reads what at this point. She can read it all word for word beginning in 2055. Yeah, that's when Blogger will start publishing my scheduled posts containing every journal entry I ever wrote in full and unedited. In 2055, I’ll be dead, since I don't expect to hit 90 and therefore no one will be able to sue me. So anyone is free to read all they want then unless I publish them sooner or there are any glitches along the way.
In all honesty, though, if I published everything I ever wrote right now, I highly doubt anyone could sue me for anything, even with full names left in. It's just not as easy as some people think to sue someone for slander or libel. It's mostly some sensitive info, threats, and public figures that they're concerned with, not saying so-and-so is a purebred asshole.
3/12/2020 Thursday 1:50 AM
I couldn't do it. I couldn't ghost her. I can't be a hundred percent sure it was me she was talking about. She was probably referring to me about the opinion thing, but I have no way to know for sure that I’m the one she's been thinking of ghosting and not Kim. Kim did say they’d been talking less, after all. Besides, unless someone gives me a damn good reason as did the termites, I'd rather be the ghosted rather than the ghoster.
Aly messaged me on Skype asking if everything was okay since it had been two days without email from me and no messages there. Then she told me she read the first five chapters of my book and said it was a great start. She pointed out just one spelling error.
If she saw yesterday's journal entry, then she isn't saying anything about it and is playing dumb just like I am in regard to her tweets. I am, however, going to tell her I had a dream she dumped me without saying why and see how she reacts. In truth, I didn't. I guess in a sense I'm a liar too, LOL. I just want to see if she says anything. I could come out and be totally honest and admit to seeing the tweets and knowing she's still connected to Molly, but I really don't want to put her on the spot and make her uncomfortable unnecessarily.
When I got a visitor from Lufkin, Texas yesterday morning around the same time Molly tweeted, I wondered if it was her. They had an iPhone which Aly said she has. Lufkin is nearly 200 miles from Austin, but so is Salinas from Citrus Heights, the location Tom once appeared from. It's not unheard of for visitors to appear to be hundreds of miles from their actual location and sometimes even another state.
But I would think Molly would have tweeted about it for damn sure. She just couldn't possibly have the kind of restraint Aly has when determined enough. But maybe they did see it. Maybe the “seesall” part of Aly's handle is there for a reason.
Aly also didn't mention that I deactivated the Twitter account she blocked me on which I reactivated yet again a few hours ago.
Since our new insurance doesn't kick in until April 1st, my appointment with Doc A has been bumped up to April 2nd. I messaged her yesterday with my results and explained that he got laid off and we switched to an HMO which doesn't kick in until the 1st, and so we bought the thyroid test ourselves, etc.
Had a bad carb day yesterday. Yeah, I ended up getting a bit carried away and went over 100, so I'm making a point of getting back on track and keeping it under 50. It's still way easier to do as opposed to eating 1000 calories or less of whatever.
Part of yesterday's carb overload was heating chickpeas in a frying pan with avocado oil in which I added some paprika, garlic salt, shredded mozzarella, and the biggest mistake...parsley. It was still fantastic overall.
Tom was nice enough to go to Walmart as well as Rite Aid since I'm on nights right now. :-)
Had a good dream and a bad dream. The bad was Aly dumping me for no reason. I realized I hadn't heard from her for about a week and figured she dumped me. I was bummed out but wasn't going to make anyone be a part of my life that didn't want to be. I'm glad this was just a dream, but sadly, I'm beginning to wonder if we really ever will meet.
In another dream Tom and I just moved into this house and it seemed pretty large. I'm thinking that if it wasn't just a dream it was more than likely a glimpse into another dimension as opposed to any kind of a sign for the future, mostly because the place seemed to have at least three bedrooms and 2 stories. The second floor had a long hallway. he was watching TV in a room on one end. I was sleeping in the next room and then there were a couple of rooms we had offices set up in and there might have been another room up there as well. On one side of the hallway was a railing which you could peer over and see the ground floor.
I woke up after our first night there realizing that I slept great. I got up and found that Tom was already up watching TV. Not wanting to disturb him, I got dressed and went out for a walk without bothering to take my medicine then wait for my coffee.
3/13/2020 Friday 5:26 AM
I'm having one seriously hungry day today. Just can't get rid of it no matter what I eat. This is the kind of hunger I would get when I would get regular periods.
I'm also starting to wonder if perhaps it isn't a fungus of some type in my nails, after all. Not just because I can't believe polish would suddenly affect me negatively but because of the way they look and the fact that they hurt if I put pressure on some of them. Looks like it could be the same stuff that’s in my toes, and which case, the only way to get rid of it may be oral treatment. I sure hope not, though! Insured soon or not, I don't want to start having all these problems and I definitely don't want to have to take medication, even if it would only be temporary and he would be home, since my feeling is he won’t be working till around the middle of next month.
Last night I was rolling my head around because my neck felt a little stiff. I noticed that it had a very calming effect on me, not that I was anxious. I felt great yesterday. I wonder, though, if it would help the next time I do get anxious. And sadly, there will be a next time. I would guess it probably won't help, though. If it really is the medication, as I've always suspected, then the only way to get rid of the anxiety is for the medication to get out of my system or at least not be in it as much. Still can't hurt to try it the next time I feel wound up.
Although I do look slimmer, particularly in the waist, I would be very surprised if my weight was down anymore tomorrow which is weigh-in day. But we'll soon find out.
Tom brought in some hazardous waste to a recycling center that takes that stuff along with some old fluorescent bulbs. He was told that whenever we have dead batteries, just place them in a bag on top of our recycle bin and they'll take them. That's good to know.
Quick update on Aly while Tom is out getting new pants and I'm relaxing. In response to my telling her I had a dream she dumped me, she said she thought she was being ghosted because I'm “good at finding things out.” I knew damn well that she knew I saw those tweets. I'm just not sure if she's hacking, tracking, keeping tabs on me closer than I thought she was or what. Now she's in my PB journal, so just as I've always suspected, she's got an account I’m unaware of. Wouldn’t block it if I suddenly knew of it, though. She’d only create another one. I'm pretty selective about what I share there because I know she's watching. I just don't know why. What is it she's looking for?
Anyway, in light of her comment, I took that as my cue to come clean and tell her that yes, I discovered the account and had to pull back for a while to think of what I wanted to do. She did tell me that she wouldn't disappear without talking to me first, so maybe it's Kim she's thinking of ghosting. She wouldn't say and I didn't press the matter. As I told her, I didn't want to embarrass her or make her feel put on the spot so that's why I hadn't said anything until now. I told her that while I hope she and I are always friends, I understand that I can't make her remain in my life if she wants to walk away, and I'll respect her wishes. I still have a feeling I'll eventually be dumped and if I am, so be it. I'll just be her friend as long as she wants to be friends and doesn't give me a really good reason to be the one to cut her off.
3/14/2020 Saturday midnight
The kitchen is ours once again! We moved Rockefeller under the rats and Blitz to the original pig cage. Rockefeller was thrilled. Blitz isn’t sure what to make of it yet. We put Blitz in the pig cage on the long part of the counter that divides the kitchen and dining area so he wouldn't get lonely. Rockefeller likes his solitude, and his and the rats’ homes are a little more out of the way.
Now I'm back to agreeing with my doctor in that my nails don't have a fungus but nail polish damage instead. I read that not only can the pigment of the nail polish seep into the nails and discolor them, but it can also cause sensitivity as well. They recommend not polishing your nails without a base coat first. So I'm going to get in the habit of that and see what happens.
I was so hungry yesterday that we ended up getting breakfast platters from Jack-in-the-Box. Going low carb usually keeps me less hungry but yesterday was a definite exception. As suspected, I weigh the same as last week, so this is as low as I can go. This diet usually keeps me from being hungry and definitely should keep me from gaining, so I’m fine with staying where I am. 155 is like 135 with the amount of muscle I’ve got. So I’m 10-15 pounds overweight. Big deal, right? ;-) Meanwhile, I have a healthy BMI which is on the high end of what a woman should be.
It got up to 81 degrees on Thursday, 71° yesterday, and today it's supposed to drop all the way down to 52 degrees and rain.