Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-03-12 19:12:27 (UTC)

They Know Not What They Do...

I might as well be dead, if I have to detach myself from everything. Detach myself from the desire for anything because not being able to have it is too painful. All I want is to be happy, though. All I want is a friend, but these things seem impossible.

I have been terribly, terribly angry all day. I don't want to deal with Asshole #1 tomorrow. Assholes #2 showed up today. That is the Cold-hearted One (another name for them), but it was okay. I couldn't even enjoy the day away from Asshole #1, though. I dread all the other days that he is here. I hate being around him. He disgusts me.

My life is insanely lonely and empty. No friends, no family, no husband for almost 11 months now. And it's a double-whammy this month - The 17th is the day my grandpa passed away. It was 25 years ago now, but it hurts every March. Him and my grandma raised me, so he was basically my Dad. I wad 9-years-old when he passed away. The 18th is 11 months since my husband passed away. My life is a terrible, terrible nightmare. And no one at work is mean to me, except my stupid boss. There, I said who it actually is! Oh, I broke other little rules today, as well, but none as self-imposed as that.

People take for granted how difficult it can be to let go of anger. You could say I have anger issues. I certainly used to. If I have them again, it is being brought about by my grief.

And BECAUSE I am grieving, I don't NEED people being mean to me! But, I guess since it's just this ONE person, I need to let it go, somehow. I feel like writing his name on a piece of paper and then, burning the paper, but that sounds like voodoo or something!

I guess I should accept this world ignoring me, as long as they are not being as much of an asshole as this jerk is! I need to learn to laugh at the world. That is what my husband did. It would be so easy to do, if he was here. I might not be treated this way, if he were because I might be faster at my job and "allowed" to do what I've been doing for 11 years!

Yeah, it's difficult being this alone. I really, really can't stand it! And being surrounded, constantly by such ignorant and/or mean people is SO draining.

There was this guy who worked here very briefly who I thought was weird, at first, and a little stupid, but he turned out to be really nice and actually talked to me like a human being. And no, I did not have a crush on him, let me clarify. This was a co-worker who was nice and treated me like a human being. And of course, he left.

Everything goes wrong in my life. Every good thing that comes my way, I lose. I believe God has abandoned me. I really kind of do. If not God, than the world, which wouldn't be so bad, if there was one person who cared for me again, whom I cared for, as well. And I would care, if someone cared. I would love them, as a friend. I need a friend, so bad. I have begged God for one.

God, while I believe You don't care for me, I know in Your mercy, You forgive me for feeling that way. I leave with these song lyrics from Lauryn Hill, paraphrased from The Bible:

"Forgive Them, Father, for they know not what they do."

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