Cahya Ember

Passionate Embers
2020-03-12 17:33:12 (UTC)

Best relief

I wrote this to my wife today. I am going to send it later. It feels so good to get that off myself. I just cannot anymore.

To my Dearest Emily, I want to start this off by saying I love you. I know the last 5 years have been far from a walk in the park for us. I know you do not see this coming. This is something I need to do. I have never cried as much as I have lately. I believe that this is where we part ways. I have done a lot of soul searching since I last wrote you a letter in the book. Months have passed since then and to be honest I feel like what happened over the last 5 years is just a past life. In moments I should have been smiling inside I was crying. I have been reflecting on life and my relationships in my life. Do you remember when we lived in Economy Inn and you went through my phone and you blew up. That was the day Jay died and so did me being IN love with you. I have a lot of unspoken pains on my part… I am not mad at you. I am tired of the fighting and jealousy lately. Do you know what the problem with free will is? Sometimes it makes us hold onto things that were never meant to be. I am letting go.
I know it hurts now but I cannot do this anymore. I am constantly getting misgendered meaning you call me Husband, he etc. I am a woman. I have never had so much strength about who I am til I got here. I have seen you grow so much in the last couple years. You can make it without me. You have been doing that for awhile now. You got to let me go. Jealousy has always been an issue for you. So has trust. I never gave you a reason to be either. I have never cheated on you, or gone outside my vows. I am tired of paying for the mistakes of others.
I know you say you wanted to bring in another person into our marriage. I get it… Its a last effort to make me happy. The way you treat me is based on others in your past. And then you say you want to bring another person because my ex and I. That chapter of my life is closed. I am going to be honest about something I never told you. I ruined that relationship. I do not want to relive a chapter of my life with you. I feel the desperation in your voice of wanting to save this sinking ship. Doing what I have done in my past isnt going to fix the present. I have been trying to get you to go to a counselor for a long time. Even found one who wouldn't charge us. You still wouldn’t go. I only wanted it for you to get you past the pain so you can love yourself again.
We have some happy times but more unhappy times than happy. I have had a lot of losses in our marriage. I lost a lot of people I genuinely cared about that disappeared from my life. I took years to establish those friendships with people I loved in very different ways. They abandoned me in the beginning because “you changed me.” I didn’t listen. Then this week I had to come to terms with the fact that the stress that is added about you not being up here is adding problems for flashbacks.
I have spent our entire marriage playing wonder woman and saving us from the problems I didn’t cause. I didn’t complain when I worked at Nationwide and I gave every dollar of paycheck every week to keep a roof. I was grateful for a job that kept us inside. All you did was get mad about me not wanting to be bothered all day so I could focus at work. Even now you want here so bad that you won't even let me focus when I tell you I am working. Why? What do you have to lose from waiting a couple hours?
Around the time we moved in the economy Inn I would find myself not recognizing who I saw in the mirror anymore. As if I was seeing the face of someone I used to know. I would sit on the bus and feel like the world was passing me by.
I have never treated others with the same harsh judgement you have. I attract a lot of different kinds of people. Since we have been together a lot of bridges have been burnt. People walked out on me, leaving me dry and not even for something I said or did. It was you. We have 2 entirely different ways of being. I appreciate all others do for me. We never went without a place but none were ever good enough for you… Ever.
I am a Buddhist I cannot justify that. It's affecting me on a very deep level. I never told you that but it does. Do you remember Carlyn’s house? You made me promises which you were unable to live up to. You assured me things were different and they were for a little while. I had totally forgotten the person I used to be. When I was a happy radiant light. I got to be honest I know you say you're not the same person you were when I left. The thing you do not see is neither am I. We still fight more now than we did in person.
The night I got attacked, a part of me died that day. All I could think about that night was that it was almost my life… Like death do us part. I was sleeping outside in the snow so you didn’t have to. That hurt me so bad to hear you tell me you couldn’t sleep cause it was loud and hot. I almost died that night. I have scars on my body now that remind me of that night. I am dealing with trauma from here and there. I was taking each day for granted not really worried about it until the day I almost lost my life. I am tired of staying in silence for the sake of your happiness.
I feel like I spent the last 5 years asleep but then I came to vegas… best choice I have made in a long time was moving here alone.I had forgotten how to be me. People here love me for who I am. I know you say you support me in every aspect. I have surrounded myself with people who do not even have to say it I know it. I feel it. I had forgotten how to be me. People here love me for who I am. I know you say you support me in every aspect. I have surrounded myself with people who do not even have to say it I know it. I feel it. There is no better feeling. I hope someday you find that too.
When I wrote you that letter before I left that was me letting go of all the negative feelings toward you. I never thought I would say this but you are a part of my past now. I don’t want to continue the cycle. On the surface I seem like nothing is wrong because I didn’t want to hurt you. Worst pain I have ever had was realizing that I am destroying myself for your happiness to the point of almost losing my life.
I never thought we would be here at this point. It makes sense our wedding day was a disaster. A hurricane wiped out our house... nope shit happens. Then people started burning me based on you. Still didn’t see it as a sign. It’s killing me. I swear I have never cried so much. I am a grown enough woman to admit I cried so hard at Mikes the other day.
I have been growing mentally spiritually and emotionally. I feel like if I stayed with you I'm scared I would lose myself again. Thats not a risk I want to take anymore. My hair is growing back. I’m healthier than I have been in a long time. The best part is I am happy here. I hope you can find the same true happiness within yourself.
I know you do not understand my faith. In Buddhism we believe in a refuge where you can be your authentic self. To make you shine and live to your fullest potential. Ever wonder why I surround myself with people who I do? The people you choose to be around you lets you know who you are. I only let people around who inspire me. Bring out the best in me who I can do the same in. I know you do not get it but someday you will. I need people with character around me. People who like me live by a code.
I am going to close this by saying I know right you feel pain from me leaving but pain teaches us lessons. I hope that you learn to love yourself. When you're ready for love you will find it someday. I am not leaving you for someone else. I am leaving you for you. That sounds odd I am sure but let me explain.
Our marriage failed because you couldn’t get past the pain of others. You cannot love others until you love yourself. It’s a simple concept. I love you but not more I love myself. I pray for you more anything. I pray you gain wisdom, strength, and the ability to let go. Life is Simple. You make choices and you don’t look back. I hope this letter reaches you with compassion. I know you’re scared of so many things. I beg of you stop letting fear control you and live life to your fullest potential.
You have the ability to make a difference in every person you meet. You can either be the reason they smile or the reason they cry. I know you do not believe one person can change the world. I changed your world so you can do the same to those around you. To live in the heart of others is to never die. I want to be the person who never dies. Don’t you?
I do hope you understand that I am not changing my mind. I am staying firm on this. After this month I am going to be establishing a new phone service to make things easier. I do not plan to block you but also remember i am working today.

I hope this makes my point.




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