Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-03-12 04:10:01 (UTC)

damn these are lonely times ..

damn these are lonely times when I keep coming back just to write to myself. But part of me thinks how this is the most important work I can do, since it's the work of uncovering the parts of my life I'm not proud of, and getting back to understanding me, and living, in a way that feels worthwhile to me.

That last bit matters the most to me, and I don't know that I really need to know myself for it.

I understand that doing things for others makes people happy.
I understand I need to get out of my own way, and learn how to show up more in my own life.
I understand this will require letting go of my comfort zone, and learning to live in the present and learning to be my own person for myself.

that last bit overwhelms me over and over, and I've still yet to learn how to make a safe space for myself in my mind to come back to when things get overwhelming. I can be a bit emotionally violent to myself at times, and this is a product of my own emotional neglect and intentional/ uncompassionate misunderstanding of myself.

I did, once, learn how to keep my emotions in check regularly, to work them out, and to come to an understanding with myself about my actions, good or bad, regularly, enough to have my own best wishes in mind. And I'm really fond of that time for me, although I know it was fleeting and required a lot of my own ingenuity.

I suppose I could work on doing that again. Alghouth I've yet to become present and accountable. . .
I guess what I meant was I need to learn how to listen to myself better in the little moments by building up the habit of stepping out of my own 'self' and becoming a higher, stronger version for me. It feels like dissociating when you become the sort of person you need for yourself. It feels massively confusing, and I remember that, and I don't want to go there again because my ego feels threatened and afraid.

I don't want to or know how to let that go.

///

I guess all the big things I haven't figured out, but I have figured out some small things. I realized the other night how much it helps to just sit in an environment and take in the space- grounding myself in a place is something that's always been comforting to me. I'd reorganize my room all the time as a kid, almost like that was a living breathing extension of me, and I'd take in the walls like they were friends, and exchange emotions with them as I was slowly waking or going to bed. I was such a kind, soft kid.

And as I get harder I feel so much further than just the touch of my feet against the bed, or the feeling of my body connected to the bed connected to the ground and the walls around me. And would the world around me want to have conjugal visits with my mind in this state? It all just feels very distant, because I'm lost somewhere in my own mind. And I'm never sure whether coming back to the present is exactly the remedy to sorting out the mind-funk, but it seems to be a great starting point.

Knowing what is real is important. Not that the head-space isn't real, but knowing how to start with what's real is what helps make real change- and prevents a lot of misnavigation in the brain.

So maybe I'll try and keep doing that- those hand-eye grounding activities, those moments where I just sit and take in a space. Those are the moments that remind me how I'm alive and that life isn't happening to me. I can happen with life too. And
maybe that can be beautiful. or whatever it will be, but it can be, and it doesn't have to just happen.




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