Ad 2:
2020-03-11 23:01:08 (UTC)

sad again

starting to think that im meant to be alone forever and some part of me thinks that it might not be a bad thing. I enjoy my own company but also I have my moments where I crave affection and I just want to be held tightly till I feel better... I remember when I was talking to this one person it felt like every moment without them was an aching pain that felt so miserably lonely and my hands would ache cause it felt like it needed their hands in them to feel okay. idk maybe im just crazy lol but I fell so hard for that person. that absolutely terrifies me, thinking about having to fall for someone again later on in life. I didn't realize how much control I let them have over me until a couple months after we stopped talking and I started to get back that desire to be myself and want better for myself. love is scary. being alone is scary. everything is terrifying except the things that I know wont matter in a couple years. I asked someone today how do you deal with being ghosted by someone you really like and they said "resist the urge to make it about you" and bruh I felt that in my SOUL... that was literally the best advice I had gotten about that because everyone always tells me "just forget about it you'll find someone else" and im like okay but right now that is what my heart wants and idk how to change that??? but thinking about it in that new perspective genuinely helped. them ghosting me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I know I didn't do anything wrong bc I do everything with so much love. for now idk if my heart can handle another person ghosting me. its happened so much within a short span of time it seems as if nobody wants to get to know me on a deeper level. it hurts ngl and it makes me feel so hated and it just kinda adds on to some social anxiety. I like writing though, any form of writing. poems, songs, journaling, these diaries, it all means a lot to me because it's the one source/outlet I have where I can just release all my thoughts into the world. although sometimes it still doesn't feel like enough because im not saying what I really want to say to the people I want to say it to. anyway if anybody is reading this still, I hope things get better for you cause you're probably reading these to find some type of comfort or relatability to yourself. I feel you though im in the same boat. I think things will get better one day, just gotta keep waking up and making it out of bed.