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2020-03-11 18:05:14 (UTC)

more yellow birds

"More Yellow Birds" by Sparklehorse

And the Captain Howdy lit upon my shoulder
And he left me with sulfur and rooms full of headaches
I fell in with snakes in the poisoned ranks of strangers
Please send me more yellow birds for the dim interior

March 11, 2020 Wednesday 6:08 PM

Yellow as the color of disease and insanity, are the motifs that I am thinking of. I am, as I explained to Matt, experiencing profound apathy. Lots of people are freaking out; it feels apocalyptic. And familiar, somehow, too. When was the last time this happened? Did it ever happen?

Yesterday, I thought I was about to die. I woke up to a sudden and agonizing pain in the left side of my neck, and it was hard to get up, and I couldn't move my arm too well or look to my left for the pain. It was a strained muscle. I got up, stood aimlessly here and there in the kitchen, then sat on the edge of my bed; which is when I felt a tingling everywhere, and my vision got struck with pins and needles; I don't know how to explain it, except that it felt like everything was pixels and in each of those pixels I could see every single color, not just the dominant color, and they were all converging into this... not blackness, it wasn't dark, it was just nothing; everything became the same color, or non-color, and I kept trying to breathe, slowly and deeply, but nothing seemed to be staying in my lungs. I started sweating profusely. Like, profusely. I had a hot flash of some sort, the sweat was coming from every pore, like— I went from normal temperature to feverish almost instantly. I was scared the pain in my neck was, like, the pinching of a very vital nerve or something.

I started praying. I thought I would throw up or pass out. I prayed to God that I would live. I said, please, please, please, please let me stay alive, please please please please, I want to live. I thought about how if I passed out I'd have to hope someone would come into the kitchen soon, and see me through my open bedroom door collapsed on the floor.

Then, for no particular reason, I decided to go to the bathroom; I thought it'd be a better place. To throw up? Pass out? I guess pee. I was hoping I could pee out the nausea. I groped my way there, I think I was stumbling. I remember I could sense shifting light, but I could not see, and I slapped my hand on the table to make sure I was going the right direction and then I was on the toilet and my butt was slipping a bit from the amount of sweat slicking my thighs and cheeks. I peed, and as I was peeing, I saw the bathmat again. I felt so relieved, I immediately started crying and I couldn't stop for a while. I called Marie to try and calm down, and Nadiya made me soup, and I went to the doctor later where they gave me a heat pack and prescribed some muscle relaxers. They said the blindness thing was probably just a panic attack (hmm). It hurt to do most things all day yesterday! Including sit up!

But I feel better today. I still can't really look all the way left, and it sometimes hurts to laugh but it's all good. I just can't believe how much I don't want to die.

Everywhere feels empty. People are saying Brown is going to shut down by next week. I wonder if they will make us go home. I want to drop all of my classes. I am having a very hard time caring. I am sleeping a lot. I am wondering if I'm depressed or something. I am not sad and I'm not anxious. So what is left? It feels like nothing. That makes me want to cry, I don't want to be nothing.

Anyway, all is okay. Всё в порядке. Todo va bien.

I'm lying, I feel something. Feels like anxiety. Hmm. I will go lie down for a little while and wait for this to pass.

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