Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-03-11 02:54:56 (UTC)

only when I'm kinda drunk ..

only when I'm kinda drunk do I feel less chaotic and on the same page with myself. it's cus all those serotonins be firing at the same time probably. or something

speaking of, I meant to exercise today, I just, I got caught up cleaning the house instead. And its alright I guess.

I'm feeling this heavy guilt because my life as of now has very little intentionality to it. It's just me; showing up, and pretending like I'm trying to make the best of it with no actual direction. Because I'm afraid to put weight to different priorities and actually commit to a direction. Or something maybe probably.

I'm worried I'm only most interested in finding somebody who is more invested in figuring me out than I am. Which, I mean, I almost found once, but I guess he was really interested in me helping me finding the will to believe in myself, which is still the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, but.
I have to stop myself because the spillover of affection I stilll have for his kindness is beguiling.
And mostly I have to redirect my attention toward myself and wonder how to actually show up for myself .

currently what myself is dealing with is also beguiling. My wonderful lesbian lover roommates are wonderful. And I am also coming to the slow low conscious realization I kind of have feelings for one of them. Just since we are both the same sort of person. Same taste in music, in vague childhood memories, that sort of thing. And it's vaguely worrying that the two roomies are set to set a date for marriage.
I am really not putting this on my radar actually since I know that they are the right kind of good for each other, and I am just looking for someone to take me out of my loneliness.
I still haven't told them how I'm bi. because my own sexuality is something I pretend doesn't exist.

an actual relationship of any variety scares me, but finding someone to compete with ignites my ego in a way that surpasses that fear easy. So that's what's really probably really going on.
mostly I'd never want to put to put the second roommate in any precarious state due to my actions because I love her. In the most familial way; I wouldn't.

I'm just imagining this devils advocate scenario because of all the media outlets who also draw my attention to that narrative of sin. And why do they do that? Intrigue? probably.

huh

I just feel so scattered and reactionary and underdeveloped when I write about what I'm feeling.

I have trouble just showing up for my life lately because.

wEll, at least college got shut down for coronavirus so there's that. And I don't have to attend class till April sometime so I can hermit and reflect for some time.
yay

I just want someone else to live through my thoughts with me.

I gotta read a book .or paint. or something. this doesn't feel enough.




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