2020-03-07 17:03:38 (UTC)


so it's like this again. having to be more conscious. having to be more upset.
having to be more angry with myself. and kicking my own ass around to do things.
is this what life really is? having to find the energy to do things now? maybe I've gotten comfortable.
I've certainly gotten lazier, and yet, I've also gotten more active. but I just can't tell which is which anymore. I barely get any sleep. It's like school all over again. Either I sleep for 4 or 14 hours, there's no in between anymore. And now my computer is starting to do this awesome thing where it has to freeze suddenly every so often. Maybe it's time to get a new system. It's fucking with my gameplay too, which I really hate. Time to run maintenance again. So annoying.
Anyway, I keep trying to convince myself that I'm doing better, but I definitely feel differently about Hassan. Maybe the part of me that loved him so strongly finally lost connection. Like how neurons need repeated stimulation to thrive and so they don't die off. But I did my first work out today. And it felt like something finally clicked. Maybe I'm about to lose a lot of people, but I think maybe I'm going to gain some, too. And I think it's time to stop kidding myself about the truth - I still hate social media. I have to avoid the Explore tab at all costs. But boredom comes to me and then it's too late, I'm miles down the pages. I just don't know what I should do anymore.
One thing is certain. I feel differently. And every day, it gradually gets stronger. So I keep trying to give myself outs. And I almost quit when Charla asked me to do 10 audit forms..she asked for 10 audits instead. I felt like a huge idiot. That's why you should always clarify.
I won't mention the guys who ghosted me. Chances are, I'm not actually mad about it - I both called them out on their bullshit. And I felt really, really good about it. It seems like I fuck with my own head and try to feel guilty about - but Shaan is right. Maybe there is nothing to be guilty about. And he's not ready for an unkempt me. I don't think anyone is, really. Maybe I'm not even ready...
But let's find out. Shall we?