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Shesgone26
2020-03-07 10:37:07 (UTC)

The third night

I’m sitting here for the third night after fighting, mainly about sleep. It’s 2:38 am and cutting myself doesn’t sound that bad lol. I haven’t cut myself in at least a year. Things got better. Or so I thought. During our fights, even just disagreements he’ll say thing like “I don’t care about you or how you feel”... even if he means about the subject that’s still fucked up in my mind. Sometimes I catch myself saying some of the mean things he says to me... I’m not proud of it. He’s tought me to say some messed up things when we fight and I hate it. Just because he says these things doesn’t make it right to say back or whatever. It’s messed up and I hate myself for it on top of him making me feel bad for everything. Earlier today I had my headphones in so I didn’t notice he was having a rough time putting his backpack on so he ended up a little behind and then he called me inconsiderate and why do I kiss him and stuff if I hate him... I kissed him because I wanted to dance with him to a song... he still doesn’t know that but as he says “closed mouths don’t get feed. I start school soon and I told him I’m gonna end up wanting to kill myself if I keep going to sleep for about two hours to wake up with him playing video games but apparently I’m not trying enough because I only take one melatonin gummy instead of two. As I clearly have a whole pillow over my face to try to block out the light bust still be able to breathe -_-... but no I “only put in 9 percent effort to go to sleep and get on my own schedule” he says. Honestly... I hate to say this but I wish we weren’t together or at least had our own places to get our own shit together. It’s not fair for the two of us. He’s a mean soul and I can’t change that much, but maybe if I had the opportunity to restart our relationship maybe he’d realize how shitty he treats me. Yeah, maybe I’m “not considering his side” the thing is though I do every day, but how can you expect me to take your advice of how you say everything so meanly and you don’t even give a shit about me? Why should I respect that or take you seriously. It’s fucked up...




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