Cath

HELP ME..I've got issues

I’ve figured it all out. I now know what my greatest
problems and issues are.
Hur – fucking – ray.
That means so much when I don’t have a clue how to solve
any of my problems.
My number one problem:
I expect too much of people.
I know, that’s a very extensive problem, I’ll be more
specific.
I used to think that most boys are clueless, (Ben, Tom,
John, Tim, Steve, Torje.. I could go on forever) but
recently I’ve realised that maybe they’re not the ones
being totally clueless. Well, they are at times, but hey,
who aren’t? The one with the problem is actually me. I
expect them to always understand what I’m thinking and to
be considerate towards my feelings. Of course, they’re not.
I’ve always blamed them, but hey, they’re not mind readers!
(ok, I’m gonna stop using hey,…!) Maybe they’re not the
world’s most sensitive people, but I’m not an easy person
to please. I don’t tell people my feelings, my needs and my
thoughts. Unless they ask that is. I think that maybe I
changed into this closed person only a few years ago. When
I was like ten some of my friends started treating me very
badly because I was “bossy and demanding”. That really
hurt. Maybe I was being bossy, but that was not the way to
set me straight. When I was like 14 my friends had this
huge fight (I was totally apart of it, I’m not trying to
act innocent) and we actually stopped being friends. We
split into two “groups”, leaving only one person, Lisa,
neutral. She’s the only one who’s still friends with all of
us. The rest of us aren’t enemies anymore (we didn’t speak
for about a year and talked shit about each other to
others, very childish), but we just hardly get along. I was
totally in favour of the “break up”, we were getting on
each other’s nerves, but it changed me as a person, both in
a positive and a negative way. I got more open towards new
people (but only to a certain point – that’s my problem)
and I became generally happier. But I also have problems
trusting people again. I’m afraid that if I tell them
personal things they’ll use them against me or something. I
don’t know, it’s stupid, really. The only person that
really knows me is Lucy. That’s kind of weird. I guess I
know her pretty well too, and I’m glad she’s my friend. I
don’t think people actually realise that they don’t really
know me. You see, it’s easy to overlook that you don’t know
someone when they know you. Yeah, I’m the listener. I think
I’ve always been the listener, but I haven’t realised it
till recently. Every time I catch up with my old friends,
they tell me all about their lives. Really personal stuff
even if we haven’t talked for a year or so. I guess when
I’m gone there’s no one to listen to their problems. Don’t
get me wrong, it’s not that I hate being the listener. It’s
my own fault that I don’t talk about my own problems.
Whenever I talk about myself for more than three minutes I
feel guilty. I feel like I’m being selfish, boring and
totally uninteresting. That’s not really a good feeling. So
I tend to just talk a little about myself then shut up.
Afterwards I feel like everything got out wrong and they
don’t understand. Note : It’s not often like this with
Lucy.
People I (think I ) really know : Lucy, Lisa, Tiff, Geri,
Jane, Camilla, Anette, Torje. And there’s a bunch of people
I know pretty well.
People who really know me : Lucy.
People who know me pretty well: Lisa, Torje, Jane.
I know I have a lot of friends that love me, but because I
have all these issues, they don’t get to know me. I don’t
know if they think they know me. I’m easy to get to know to
a certain point, so maybe it’s easy to believe that you
know me. I know it sounds like I’m blaming my friends, BUT
I’M NOT!! I know that I’m the one with the issues, I have a
lot of stuff that need to be sorted out, but I don’t know
where to start. How can I convince myself that I’m a just
as interesting person as the next guy and that I deserve
that people listen to my thoughts? If any of you have an
idea what I should do, please let me know. I can’t really
talk to my friends about this. Either they’ll get upset and
think that I’m blaming them or they won’t understand.
Please help me… I need advice. Maybe I should talk to a
therapist.. :P