Ad 2:
2020-03-02 15:47:10 (UTC)

I am so stupid

Hello diary it been awhile. I have not written in a long time. I started a blessed relationship with Linda and of course it will have its own challenges like any relationship will but without a doubt it I easily the best relationship I have ever had. It is easy to love her and she makes me a better person. My biggest mission is for her to be the closest any one has ever been to me and know me inside out and publicly acclaim I am a good man. At the moment I think I have failed miserably on that front. We have had a few arguments and whenever we have a weekend away we end up disagreeing. I think mainly because we are both very opinionated and when I get into a mode she detects it and gets upset. She also can get into a mood. Last weekend at a friends party I failed and disrespected her by my behaviour. It was appalling and it will be a miracle if our relationship can survive this. I have created a big seed of doubt in her mind. I just pray she can somehow find it in her to forgive me and allow us to continue this wonderful journey.

These broken glasses I see is entirely my fault and she has raised a 4 point issue list of what she thinks are my behaviour or actions that are detrimental towards our relationship. The report is damning. This is someone I have been close to for a few months and she actually said I am not a nice person. I have failed miserably.

What else can God do, after my divorce I prayed and prayed to him to give me an opportunity to show I am a good man. He did more than that, he gave me someone that I can love easily, someone I can respect, someone that academically stimulating, someone that can improve me, someone that excites me and sexually turns me on, someone that can make me to be dedicated to her and face what is important in my life. Yet I blew it.
Don’t know why. Well it may be the alcohol I drank at the party but I disrespected her and she is within her rights to take the stance she has taken. I have had a lump in my throat for over 24 hours now. Yesterday I lay on my bed in darkness for hours listening to the sound my fan was making. Funny enough it was a soothing sound once you get into its rhythm.

She has given me a new outlook and confidence on how I should go about my career. I respect are achievements and how she has planned and carrying out her career. She is without doubt the love of my life and I just pray (again to God) to allow me to express this again. It is quite easy to do these things as I love her that’s why I am confident I can rectify the issues she has raised but I just don’t know if I will ever get the chance to rectify them.

I am so stupid.