nerd™

the anger games
2020-02-29 23:33:39 (UTC)

1104 days. oblivion.

my facebook tl is all people making wishes on Feb 29th as if it's a shooting star. wondering where they'll be in 4 years. so much hope..
my head is swarming with permanent demons. fears that have haunted me for as long as i can remember. mistakes i repeated at least a dozen times. regrets I'll carry to the grave. all the lines are blurred. i can't remember how many hours I've spent spiraling in the same dark pit. how many times have i written about it in hopes of finding a conclusion. how many nights have i spent crying for so many different reasons that i couldn't even name one if i tried to.
my life is an endless cycle of... nothingness.
it's like my brain is reset with every stolen moment of distraction.
every high carries me so far up in the clouds that i forget rock-bottom even exists, until im free falling again with the weight of a recycled low that plunges me in the darkness right into the open arms of old demons in disguise.
at least i don't have to wonder where I'll be in 4 years.
i feel so naive and stupid. in moments of clarity like this, it's so hard for me to believe that i fall for the same cheap scares every time. but i guess fear can make you see whatever you want to see and i know it can get very cold and lonely in my mind.




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