Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2020-02-20 01:45:57 (UTC)

Been a longer time

I've been smoking a lot of weed lately. Vaping a lot, too. I wanna die. Last time I talked to my therapist we got kinda deep. My mom wants to tell me how much she wants to kill herself, partly because of me. That feels great. All I can see is her face when she used to scream all the time how much she "hated this family." "I hate this family!"

I'm losing my footing in school. Just band, because it requires so much after fucking school work, when all I wanna do is go home so I can cry in privacy. Of course the little bitch of a teacher tells my mom. Tells her that I'm always wearing a hoodie. Bitch. So I can fucking cry in peace in class. When he asks me to take off the hoodie I do, I don't know what the big deal is. The first time I'm failing in 15 years and she wants to ground me from my phone. My mom found my other phone. And all the nudes and men in it. I didn't even get grounded for that
SHE FOUND MY FUCKING NUDES AND SHE TOOK ME OUT FOR A STEAK DINNER.
I start failing one class because I'm so depressed and I'm grounded for a week. Logic? None.
What kind of mother tells her daughter that she wants to kill herself. How could you put that burden on your daughter. Even my therapist said that was really not the right thing of her to do.

I'm sorta scared she's gonna find something on my phone, but I'm pretty sure I deleted everything. Still sorta scared, ya know. I'm just gonna borrow a friend's phone again.
Leo and I have actually been really good lately. It's like how it was in the beginning. Though, I'm always scared he doesn't love me and I get jealous so easily now. It's his fault. He always told me he didn't love me and made me feel jealous. So I mean, I hope he's not expecting anything else, but other than that we have been doing good. Even changing our netflix episodes so that we are watching the same episode at the same time and we can watch netflix together. He said he'd come see me in November. I said November is so far away. He said, "It'll be worth it."

He's finally being nice again.

I wanna make my mom happy, but all she wants to do is die. I told her that. She told me to stop using her problems as excuses for my own...okay. Sorry for caring. The first time I've ever failed for 15 years. She never cares when I do good things. She couldn't give a shit when I told her I had a 4.0 GPA or when she comes to my room with all these letters from colleges. Or when I get compliments from other teachers, or when I fucking TOLD her I was going through a hard time, or when other teachers have been telling her I've been acting different. Or when she looks at my grades, all the 100s and sees the one failing grade, that's all that matters. Nothing is ever good enough. I told her I was having a hard time. She didn't wanna check up on me, or look at the band schedule which she has access to. You'd think if she knew I was having a hard time, she'd have my back and make sure I was doing my work, but no. I'm expected to act like an adult, handle my own depression, my mom's problems, and somehow gather the energy to force myself through 2 extra fucking hours after school. Right. My bad. I forgot. I'm not a kid in her eyes.




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