Honeybee

Metamorphosis
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2020-02-28 16:24:46 (UTC)

28/02/2020 Afternoon

I went to get my eyebrows done. I allowed myself to be social this time and we had quite the conversation throughout. I realised as I was talking to her that I wasn't close enough to her to ask about her personally so I politely volunteered information about myself that she can pick up on and volunteer about herself in return, hoping meanwhile that I didn't sound conceded. It seemed to work though and the conversation had an easy tone to it. Now, if only I can keep this up without thinking about it too much.

C took it as a joke as always, but I suppose it's because he has no idea about female self-grooming. I wonder sometimes if men like him find that women are either born gorgeous or lacking, not realising that beauty requires maintenance. Or he could just think he was really being funny. I wonder if he'd still be laughing once he notices I get looks from other men as well. Curious. He has been giving me subtle compliments lately, just unexpected nice things here and there. When I pointed that out, he said I've been lovable lately, which translates to "You haven't been traumatising me with your unanswerable questions". I miss hearing his voice though, but some distance can be beneficial to give him a chance to miss me. And he has been missing me. Just proves how throwing yourself at someone and constantly being available never works. It's healthy for me as well, I need to be mentally alone and do other things in the meantime. The more I think about it, the more my room project feels like it's with good timing. If I don't sort out my physical space then my mental space will remain tainted. I'm improving my sanctuary and it's such a crucial thing to do that it feels like the right thing.

In other news, it's borderline summer today and taking a walk in town felt rather nice. I had to stop and tie my hair better, realising while doing so that it's the best practice not to care about others around me. I put my things on a nearby fence, held my coat between my knees and flexed my back straight for more efficient movement to tie my hair into a messy bun. It's such a banal thing to do in a lifetime but it's those little things that build up into something that can serve as a change for the better.

I have half a day of tutoring, possibly just one hour but we'll see. I desperately need more sleep.


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