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2020-02-27 16:37:10 (UTC)

Looking Back on the Year

Birthday reflection is something I stole from my ex and something that I do to look back on the year. It’s been a hell of a year at that. I’m going to hope to cover things and then what I’m looking forward to in the coming year. So, let’s get to it.

I have the most amazing friends and family that a girl could ask for. I learned that this past year with the ups and downs that came along with things. We’ll start with my greatest joy and biggest heartbreak. About this time last year, I was preparing to head to Georgia to meet my grandson for the first time. I was super excited and couldn’t wait. It was about this time that I finally grew tired of trying with my son. The final nail in that coffin would come a little later in the year when I finally listened to one more rant from him about his problems were the fault of everyone but him. Sadly, something he shares with his wife. I was sad because I lost a grandson because of those two, but honestly it was time to give up the ghost. I wouldn’t be my father and grandfather. The circle had to come to end and it did. One day I hope he will see things, but I fear most of all that it’s too late. These thoughts had been in my mind as I passed last year’s birthday. It was the very next month that I made the run to Georgia to meet Squidge and I don’t regret it in the least. I was excited to be there. He was such a perfect little baby. I had a hard time putting him down while I was there. It would only be a short time before the universe felt I had another lesson to learn.

Things with the girls have been simply amazing. I am so proud of how both of them grew up. We may have our differences but somehow it all works out and with the loss of Squidge we came together in the only way we knew how. I think that he brought us closer together in losing him. Most times the loss of a child will destroy families. In our case it brought us closer. It was also around this time that we welcomed Pikachu to the family as well. Each of my daughters are showing me more and more the person that I have been. Even with all the heartbreaks in my life, I’m reminded through them that I did something right after all. In September, we lost Squidge to SIDS. It has been my greatest heartbreak that I have ever felt. As a mother, it killed me not to be able to do something for my daughter and son in law to make things right. There were no words nor will there ever be with that kind of loss. I was grateful for those friends and family I have in my life because they were my strength. As many of you know that have known me for any length of time, I mourn far differently. Pooh Bear kept at me that I didn’t have to be strong, but yes, I did. I mourned when I was home alone. I carry him in my heart every day. I always will. His loss also brought me closer to some I didn’t think I would ever be.

This last year has been crazy, but one thing I did was reconnect with an old friend. I missed having my friend and while we’ll never always see eye to eye with things, I’m glad to have her back in my life once more. Differences of opinions make the world go around, but honestly, I’m not as naïve as I once was. I’ve also lost some friends along the way. Their loss, not mine. In this day and age, after losing Squidge, I’ve not been so sad at certain losses. Which leads to the last thing.

This time last year, I was shaking my head after once more the Cali Ex couldn’t come to terms with things. Even when I admitted being wrong and apologizing, it wouldn’t be enough. It’s been a laughable ride. I’ve heard some of the wild stories (and they get wilder each telling from him) as time has passed. The last being that I’m an alcoholic (WTF?! He drank more than I ever could.) and I had the miscarriage because of it (No dipshit. I lost the baby because of the stress YOU put me under.) It’s actually gotten comical when I hear things. I wish him the best, but honestly, I would appreciate it if he can’t keep my name out of his mouth that he at least be honest about things. Wishful thinking, I know, but a girl can dream? So, my relationship world has been absolutely insane this last year. Especially for the one that keeps trying to have hope that it could happen. Let’s start with Psycho that after basically manipulating me into sleeping with him moved right in. That lasted maybe a week? I wasn’t sad at all that that ended. It was after when the day after calling me SEVENTEEN times in one day was enough to spook me. Chalk that one to thank the gods I dodged that particular bullet. Especially when I learned he was arrested not long ago for kidnapping and assault. Thanks dad. I know that was you. Then came Princess. Oh, hells was that a ride. It started off good enough. How did that end? Easy answer: “It’s your own fault for the abuse from your ex-husband. You stayed with him.” That is the exact quote and I will never EVER forget those words. I lost my shit. It’s been a long, long time since I was ever that pissed but congrats to Princess for showing me, I still got it. That and calling my daughter a liar was the icing on the cake. I rightly threw him out right then and there. It was after that I was learning more and more. Supposedly the proposal was a joke. It was also said that I lied about it. There’s like five stories about that. Told the female neighbor that I was just a friend. Told the Grandpa Neighbor that I was loaded (as in money). Lied to just about everyone about me. Terrorized Boo to the point that I nearly lost him. Then as a parting gift, stole all the silver out of my change bowl. Better than that? Walked out the door saying that he was sorry it didn’t work out and that he does love me. Yup. Sure do. With love like that, who needs enemies?

Of late though I have thought that I was with someone, but after talking with a couple of friends, seems that one’s about to go for a walk as well. While I’m completely in love with him, it’s been brought to my attention that it’s likely that it’s probably toxic as well. I mean let’s face it, what do you call it when they can’t be straight with you? When they can’t actually TALK to you? When you don’t even kiss or hell even have sex? I have to agree with a friend of mine. The words relationship nor exclusive have ever been uttered. He loves that I do gf/wifey shit for him though. I think a time of no contact might be in order. Just to see what happens and in the meantime the full of that will be a different entry.

Going forward from here, well there will be a lot of things going on in the coming year that I have to keep in mind. Another baby coming in late August. Ten years of missing my father, not like I don’t miss him every day but there’s that. A possible wedding coming soon after one daughter got engaged this last year. Galaxy’s Edge. Alpaca farm. I’m far from done going forward. Next year is going to be very different as well. So I’ll see where this year leads me to.

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