Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-02-27 04:43:17 (UTC)

do the work

I'm sitting here tonight after getting nothing done, still, but feeling better about it. I just want to love myself.

I had more I wanted to say but it's forgotten now.
and now I'm angry at myself little again. I'm tired too.
These are just defenses against the fear of confrontation. I'm sitting on this edge between remembering that I'm here, at college, doing this for myself, the myself that I love (when I remember how to), and feeling condemned to never succeed here because I hate myself, and also just having no part in either of these narratives and wanting to learn to love by ignoring everything and essentially unconsciously living and going back to my old ways.

Like, indoctrinated family trauma is a dumbass hard thing to confront. fuck that.
But also, it's in every approach I take to this world, so, it's obviously an issue to me since it gets in the way so often.

I have trouble validating myself. I have trouble with my own vulnerability, and that's a scary hard line to walk because you think you're going to a counselor to open up and get validity and instead all you hear is how weak and insufferable your feelings sound, and how angry you are for having to express them, and it's embarrassing. And then you struggle with this sort of psychological dysmorphia, where you thought you were this emotionally strong being, and instead you were this spineless coward who won't even help themselves or let anyone help them.

I guess you could say I expect a lot from myself. Since I was in like 7th grade I had this idea about fixing my indoctrinated family trauma. I didn't know what it was then, but I felt this guilt, this burden I had to carry.

And then a few years back I decided to prove myself worthy to establish my own life outside that burden. Or, escape it, somehow. And I truly tried my ass off. I tried getting my subconscious aligned with my conscious, my actions aligned to my values, my brain staying true to my heart. All those things, and all alone. And my mind is so proud yet so intimidated by that energy I put into myself, once. I was sort of successful

And I feel I have to be so indifferent today about how I let it all go, because, at the time, I knew I could do better for me, but I was afraid. Because I'm still afraid though.

And that's the thing, you don't know until you're there how scary it can be to live your own life willingly. And how scary it can be to be filled with grief realizing the things you didn't want to know about your family. And how overwhelming it can be to let go of what you thought life would be like and accept the present, and how quickly the present changes. And your heart needs to learn how to adapt so fast, and you still need to figure out how to let go.
And all those things swirling around your mind, and how they make you dizzy, and your thoughts paint the walls of your vision so that even company doesn't help you feel any less lonely, and I was truly afraid I'd start inventing voices, like, developing schizophrenia, because I was so erratic in my own head, I didn't know how to follow any rules or establish them for myself.

god.

I mean to transition into adulthood smoothly, why do it gotta be like this? Making rules for myself is probably by far the hardest part.

There's probably still a small part in me, the smallest of my inner children, who's holding on hope that my mom will turn around from her borderline delusional ways and finally decide to love me wholly. My father too (actually my feelings are different about him, though, and I can't quite figure out why). But I know after sitting with this, or I should know, that this isn't just toxic for them. I can't expect that they've got more to give than what they are giving, I'm not their emotional coach, I don't hold the measurement stick by which to deem their effort worthwhile enough. I don't get to play that role.

Because that's the role of the victim. And I'm segueing here. But the lives we live on this earth are too short to be pandering for nuggets when we each have our own treasure to hold. (sorry for going all bachelor mckenna on you).

And once again I feel like I'm saying this stuff but not really feeling it. I suppose part of it is you gotta say it till you feel it.

I'm the creator of my own story, and I don't have to let myself be victim when I can fill my own cup. It just takes a little longer to figure out, but it's a worthwhile venture.
And I know I may get distracted once I start gaining traction, I may believe I can fix my family this time, and that I'm finally ready to take that on. But I won't be. So it's time to man up and keep my nose down and on the road ahead.
if I can
god bless.

(I need alittle more kindness to myself if I'm gonna make it far)
(and probably a little more commitment to life itself)




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