Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-02-25 21:11:02 (UTC)

Somewhat Happy Conclusions?

I like to bitch... a lot. I know, haha... typical woman, but I don't know... it makes me feel a lot better. The problem with it is that it annoys the people around me. Another problem with it is that I enjoy that aspect of it. I'm a bit of a troll, I suppose. I seek attention even if it's bad, out of pure loneliness. Plus, it's a way to release frustration.

This morning, I flipped someone off on the bus... that I knew! I thought she was laughing at me for me jamming out on my headphones. I proceeded to bitch the whole way to work about how I want to die and how no one would care if I were dead and how I lost my therapy because the person who does the schedule at work can't let me out an hour early one day of the week. Had to deal with that person yesterday. I was so angry being around them. They will be there the next 2 days, as well. 😡😡😡

Overall, with some slip-ups, I am improving. At the very least, I am learning to let go of things quicker. Even if I'm still mad about things, I'm not going into rages or ranting and raving -- just some bitching, here and there.

And I was happy and in a good mood today, for no apparent reason. But, something is wrong in IDL's life and he'll probably never tell me, but I'm actually concerned because it seems serious. I have a few guesses, but I really don't know and I could be wrong on all of it. I just thought of something REALLY bad... like what if they are closing our restaurant or something?!?! I better stop thinking about this topic, my imagination will go too far, like it hadn't already... I just don't want to bring that stuff up in here because it's personal stuff, but it's not about me.

I will come up with a different name for IDL now because that looks too much like the word 'idol.' Lol. Okay, M will work, but hopefully, I won't write about him too much more. Lol.

I'm mostly okay with everything. It's been a lot to accept. I don't know why I had to let go of God, as well. I think the pressure of having to talk to Him, constantly is too much. See, I made too much of a religion just out of my own personal praying. It was too much of a ritualistic thing. I don't want to feel guilty for not praying and I don't want to feel obligated to pray. If God is God, than God is loving and forgiving. Most humans are not total evil monsters, after all. There may certainly be a place of torment for people like Hitler and other horrible, evil people. But for me... I may not be worthy of heaven... but, who is? I certainly don't think virtuous non-believers deserve hell. And I actually happen to believe in God. But, anyways... Yeah, I think God will be completely understanding if I don't feel like or don't want to talk to Him. Then, watch me be the hypocrite and immediately turn to Him when I get super stressed out/something goes wrong! But, you know what? That's okay! I was trying to find the middle ground of simply talking to Him like a friend, but even so, that has to come completely naturally, it should not be forced. Besides, recently I was begging Him day after day to help me. Maybe it did. I just needed help getting through those days I was struggling with. Actually, I got sick of it, feeling like I was getting no results. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't want to be angry or bitter at anyone, including God. Maybe I'm becoming a mystic, embracing the mystery of it all.


Anyways... I think I will set aside a minute or two and pray for M. Don't know what he's going through, but I can send him good energy that way. Hell, maybe that's why he was "mean" to me somewhat recently. I may have mistakenly perceived it as mean, that's why I put the word in quotations.


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