marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2020-02-25 12:26:05 (UTC)

Mason and Dixon, my two brains

In history class, i learned of two men, Mason and Dixon. The had a line, dividing North and South. Google it if you're interested. My old high school health teacher used them and their line as an analogy. "You have two brains, each of ya," he'd say. "A Northern one in your head and another one, South of your Mason Dixon Line. You'll make decisions best if y'all listen to the damn Yankee brain in that head of yours." You don't have to be a US history buff to get what he was saying.

On leaving my therapist's office this morning, i thought back to those days and lessons. i had to confess to him that for the past couple weeks, i've been keeping it with Dixon and i see i'm out of control. i laid it all out to him, but it didn't feel good. Told him about the 5 males (there were 6) who intimately shared my personal space. i thought for sure i was on track to stop the promiscuous shit, but then i again caved to my wickedness Sunday night with the unmentionable. i am sad and bruised, both in mind and body. i surrendered to my shrink. i'm going up on one of the meds. i hate that. i hate that i did this to myself. i don't want to feel that dullness, the numbing. But also, i don't want to lose myself and the things i have achieved during the times i am stable.

I am angry at my mother for not disinviting him. i thought the presence of his girlfriend would stop me. But when Dixon takes over, she takes no prisoners. The fact that his gf was there made no matter to him. The vitriol in her eyes as she watched the seduction made no matter to me. After, she said if she saw me again, she would cut me. i told her to fuck herself and enjoy the taste of my ass on his dick. i've regressed to ghetto. i can't stay there. If the price is that dull and sad feeling, i'll have to pay it.

Just mariel, this time.




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