MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2020-02-23 22:28:22 (UTC)

Jeff

Here I am.

Only here when compelled.
Both by frustration and importance.
Though right now the frustration seems prominent.

This.
is not.
how this is supposed to feel.

Fucking, no.

I'm in love for the first time in 2 years and ignored my inner-voice, yet again.

Am I mad at myself?

Nope.

Mad at him. Mad at him for not being more.

I guess.

Maybe a little mad at myself for deluding myself.


2 years.
2 years of looking.
2 years of loneliness and disappointment and only relying on myself.

2 years of growth.

Reading, watching, learning. Working-out, learning new skills, ever-shaping and molding both my expectations and needs.

Thought I found him.
Thought this had to be the gift.

But that's where ignorance comes in. There's no gift for this. There's no reward system. Only faith. Hard-work and faith that on a deeper level it is right.

Righteous.
In the way God would be.


I want happiness.
I want ever-lasting love.
I want undying passion and falling in love deeper every day.

Does that exist? Am I too effected by the emotions of others to ever feel whole?

Buddha helps us understand where our attachment causes our suffering as opposed to circumstances.
I have a hard time balancing this attachment.
And also, hard time calling this of myself while he sleeps again.

Unapologetic, un-reflective, unaware.

Self-growth, while so important and enlightening... feels like an emply pathway when its eternally met with meshing my life with people who seem to not have entered some of the beggining thought-processes around self-growth.

He exhibits emotional manipulatve patterns, I think. This isnt all the time, I think.

But its enough, I know.
Enough that in my free time i am journalling and crying.
Enough that he will wake up and I'll act like its okay just to stop fighting.

But I'm smarter than this...
You don't stay in situations that make you unhappy, Brydget.

You've done this. All. ALL. Alone. Before.

But he makes me so happy, i think.
Tears,

I reread that paragraph. I sit on the contradiction.

Tears don't mean he doesn't make me happy.
I am not that scared girl who let Jake abuse me.
I have boundaries, and he knows when hes crossed them.

So, what does it mean when I'm so exhausted I feel like my feelings arent worth bringing up?
Pick your battles, right?





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