(AmIHere)

My Thoughts
2020-02-21 23:59:20 (UTC)

coming in second

Tonight I decided to sit down and paint, something I absolutely love doing, but utterly suck at!! My older sister decided to do the same, we both had went to the store earlier and bought some new art supplies.. Anyhow, After seeing the drawing my sister had decided to paint, I suddenly felt less inclined to continue my crappy sunset over the ocean painting. (I ended up throwing out the canvas)!! The more I sit here at my desk in my oversized FFDP hoodie with my Yogi bedtime tea, I can't help but think that I have been doing this my whole 31 years of living. You see, my sister has always been prettier, and more talented than me (without even trying). Being the youngest of four children, isn't as great as it seems, everytime I have found something that I like/love doing one of my siblings always comes behind me and shows me up. Or that's what it feels like at least.
I practice, and practice at everything I do, I have to work my a$$ off just to be able to keep up. Now, before you even think it, I know there is always going to be someone who can do it better, I get that. However, I often find myself wondering, when will I ever be good enough at something, whether it be singing, painting, drawing, or anything for that matter. What is my thing, that I am just naturally good at? I can sit here and say that I honestly do not know!!
I know, I shouldn't compare myself to my siblings, and that I should have confidence in myself and my abilities, but do you realize how damn hard that is? Or how much it hurts your soul when you complete something and be super proud of it, only to see someone else show you up?

I suppose you could say that I should know my own worth, and don't get me wrong, I do! I just get tired of coming in second all the time. For once I would like to come out ahead.




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