Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-02-22 01:02:43 (UTC)

Some Closure & Much Peace ☺☺☺

On a whim, Wednesday night, I decided to go to a restaurant nearby by myself. I got a souvlaki sandwich and a Heinekin. My husband and I loved Gyros, but this is even better because its just lamb, not lamb mixed with beef. I swear, lamb is the perfect meat and I could give up all other meat, if I could always afford and had the means and knowledge to cook lamb. It's so freaking good. Anyways... I also got a Heineken, knowing my husband would have probably gotten a Corona. The point, though is, he would have had a Corona, yes, and I would have had maybe a Corona or maybe, something else. Maybe not even a Heineken! But, in any case, I felt I was having a beer, in his honor! For desert, I got banana cream pie, though they had strawberry cheesecake - something, again, that he loved. I cried quite a bit, though I felt like he was there with me. I was crying a lot that day in general - at work, on the bus. And it truly was not PMS because I'm right in between cycles. I know it might seem absurd to even bring that up when I am highly emotional from mourning my husband, but honestly, there is still an effect from it. So, imagine: you're already in mourning, right, and then, add to that - PMS. It's really awful. Men can't relate.

So, after that, when I got home, I called out of work for Thursday. I ended up getting so much done! It was great! I needed the mental health day. If they don't care enough to let me out an hour early one day of the week, so that I can continue to see my therapist, than I deserved that day! And thank God, I could afford it!

I felt so refreshed and revitalized this morning and this day, in general! I was very nauseous this morning, from drinking last night, but the drinking had been out of joy and so, kind of worth the consequences. And I couldnt get ready on time to catch the bus and had to take an uber to work. I've been doing that too much lately. I've been spending too much money since I got my tax return. Really want to slow my roll. I want to start saving money and have a certain amount saved by the end of the year. It's a goal I have in mind and I'm not going to be too hard on myself, I can fall a little bit short of the goal, as long as I get close to it.


So, somehow, though I was treating myself and doing what was good for my own mental health, I felt like I got some closure. I will never get full closure, but somehow, this going out to dinner, on a whim, felt like saying goodbye to my husband, in a way. And it felt good. But, I am not done saying goodbye yet... and I may never be... but, I have a plan for April 18th, the day he died, last year. Thankfully, it's a Saturday, so I won't have to request the day off or... call out, since they probably wouldn't care enough to give me the day off, no matter the reason (since they don't care enough to allow me to get the help i need - my therapy. I'll survive... they just made this grieving widow's life a hell of a lot more difficult, thanks. 😦). Anyways... My plan is to drink a 6-pack of Corona with lime wedges to put lime juice in the beers... in honor of my Monkey Man, for besides Guiness... that was his other favorite beer and it was honestly, the only time, I'd see him drink a 6-pack of something all in one sitting. Though, he was an alcoholic, he was very moderate. He was mainly, physically dependent on it, meaning that he wasn't drinking enough each day to get drunk, but rather, just so he wouldn't have seizures. He was physically addicted to alcohol, sadly. He wanted to quit drinking and he may have done it, but once he had Cancer, I was thankful he had beer because he hated drugs and would take as little morphine as he possibly could, somewhat replacing that with alcohol. He was drinking whiskey maybe more than beer, but not really to get drunk. He actually could not drink a lot because his throat hurt so bad all the time. ☹☹☹ But, he drank as he had before, moderately and it helped with his pain, though he had to go through some pain, just to be able to drink.

The night before he died and the morning before, he was asking me to go get him whiskey, beer, cigarettes, ice cream, all kinds of stuff. Lol. I kind of knew he was dying. Then, when I came back, his breathing was shallow and I think I saw that before when my uncle was dying of Cancer. Aye, this got deep.

Yeah, I mainly wanted to talk about, how my going out to this restaurant, on a whim, by myself, gave me closure and such peace. The more I do stuff like this, the better I feel. I can't just constantly do it, though, because then, it will actually become painful.

Like, I was afraid to dream about him for so long. And honestly, I've had some horrible nightmares regarding his illness, that, thank God, I don't remember now.

I don't dream of him that often, but when I do, I have an extra sense of peace those days. ☺☺☺

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I just need to keep his spirit, nearby, always. Whatever qualities I had in common with him that were his best qualities, I need to amplify in me. Like, I can't be him, because I am me, but I can be more like him in that, whatever good qualities I have in common with him, I can bring out more in myself. I'll remain myself, obviously, but with his influence shining through.

He taught me how to be strong and not give a fuck what other people think about me. And he loved me for me and that is worth everything and I've been given all the strength, courage, wisdom and self-worth I need from him, for the rest of my life. I hope I did the same or similar, for him. I hope I made his last days happy.

I know these are things I should have learned for myself. Well, I have to now. I'm by myself now. But, I have an angel guiding my way. I have 3 guardian angels, in fact - my grandma, my grandpa, and my husband. I thought of my uncle too, but I didn't know him that well and besides... My Aunt needs him. So, it's okay if I don't have that 4th guardian angel.

Sometimes, someone can teach you these things, if they love you the way my husband loved me. I am forever grateful to him.

One last thing, to end this on a happy note: I think on his birthday, later on this year, I will have a Guiness. ☺☺☺


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