Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2020-02-21 02:01:16 (UTC)

My "Safe Space"

My husband always told people that I looked at The Bible in a scholarly way. I wonder if he was just covering for me. I wonder if he knew that I was really just Agnostic and felt sad for me. I feel sad for me. I've wanted to believe, so badly in the thing that seems to help many people - religion. It would have likely been Christianity for me, but anyways... After all I've been through in my life, I believe there is Something. It makes sense to me. However, it's difficult to believe that this Creator, this Spirit truly cares about me. I'm tired of begging for His help and getting nothing. It's not like I'm a bad person. I'll admit, praying calms me down. The last 2 weeks were so dark, I felt it was all I had, all I could do, but really, it didn't do much. Honestly, part of the darkness was losing my therapy. I struggle handling... everything. Therapy was helping. So, that was a major deal to me.

Thinking critically seems to help a lot. Observing what's really going on around me and staying calm about it. I suppose the prayer helps me stay calm. I don't know anymore. But, I believe God will forgive me for however much I distance myself from Him. I'm certainly apart from this world, from society, as well. I'm just in my own little limbo. I'm safe, I'm comfortable. Not to sound all SJW, but my "safe space" is my own mind, if I so choose to make it that way. If I can't change the fact that no one cares about me and I'm just "trapped" in my own head all the time, than I better make it a nice place to be!


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