Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
2020-02-19 13:29:39 (UTC)


I don't know how I'm supposed to take all this anymore. People ignoring me and/or treating me like shit. I might have been able to take it all today, if someone didn't tell me that my husband deserved to die. I was trying my best to be positive and say, well at least they're not saying what that person said, but as soon as I was ignored again, I got really, really upset. I started ranting about all this and about how they can't even let me out an hour early one day of the week to get the help I need - therapy. I'm tired of praying, praying, praying and everything is the same all the time. I'm so ready to die. I don't even care anymore. I'm not afraid of death and I welcome it. I know, I know, be careful what you wish for. I'm not even on break and I'm just standing here in the corner, typing away in here. I'm not allowed on table, if so-and-so is here and I'm not jealous, I'm mad that it was worded that way - that I'm not allowed. If you PREFER someone else on table, that's fine. You were a total jerk in how you said it.

I feel safe as long as I can stand here and type. Not trying to be lazy and not work. I want to call out every single day for a "mental health day," but I don't do it because I'm so afraid that's letting them win or something. I wish they'd just let me go home now or something. Or about 20 minutes from now because they are legally obligated to give someone no less than a 2 hour shift or something like that.

I really have to pee, but I have to use the men's bathroom because the women's is broken. I'm procrastinating on that.

I'm trying to get this shit out as much as I can, but this shit continually happens and so, it continually pisses me off. The day someone listens to me and cares about what I have to say, I'll be in such shock, I won't know what to do. Is there a song called "The day that never comes" or something?

I don't even copy this shit in my offline journal because it's so negative. I want it out and away from me. And for the world to see! Lol. I can delete entries, though. I don't think I'll want to read back on any of this shit.

There's never a resolution. I'm sick of praying. Nothing ever comes from that. It calms me down, only because it distracts me for that moment.

It hurts and depresses me that I'm constantly ignored. It never stops hurting. It doesn't matter who does it. I know I should not care. I probably wouldn't if my husband were here. 😩😩😩

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