chae

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2020-02-18 09:11:54 (UTC)

why i feel replaceable

4:11 am

its 4 am and i got woken up by my alarm but fully fucken woken up by a text message i got from jinsol. i wish i could talk to an actual person about this but i feel like nobody will ever understand what i am saying here. so ig thats why im ranting on here.

i love jinsol a lot and the fact that shes super sweet and kind but i just cant help but always feel this feeling when its not just her and me but her and other people and i. its like whenever i meet a new person and i introduce them to each other they get so close to the point i get replaced and then i find a new person and she takes them away too. i dont know if im insecure or what but it makes me feel so lonely.

for example this same shit happened with her and roman. i would talk to roman every day until i introduced her to him and she would end up talking to him every fucking night and ig i couldnt help but just pull myself out and stop talking to mitty cause i thought that jinsol was more fun than me. i wish i wasnt so insecure lol. and ig it was my fault for being so passive too.

like in this situation i met this dude on league named min and ok hes really fucking hot LOL. anyways i met him and i wished i could get closer to him so id play w him and wed talk. i introduced him to jinsol and immediately jinsol liked him A LOT. to the point where it kind of felt overwhelming to even express my opinions of him bc its like suddenly she “took” over him. im not saying we own any person and i dont believe in that but i cant help but feel that way. i just feel like when this happens all the time, i just feel so replaceable. i think its mostly all just due to my insecurities but oh if i loved myself more i bet this type of feeling wouldnt happen.

i know jinsol doesnt do all this purposely or in any malicious way. its just bothers me and id never confront her abt it because she innocent and sweet. sometimes when i meet someone cool i want to keep them to myself. i get scared they might move on to someone better than me. i feel like it has happened a lot. which is the main reason why i feel so replaceable all the fucking time.

although jinsol is my closest friend and i love her a lot, i think this is why i want another friend sometimes. i just wish there was a friend who wouldnt make me feel replaceable or replace me with someone else better than me. but then i also wonder maybe the reason so is cause i honestly allow myself for that to happen lol. i need to work on this anyways.

anyways if i get a new friend, isnt it so fucking ironic cause in this cause that means i want to REPLACE jinsol with someone else? see, sometimes this is why i hate myself because i know how hypocritical i am without even doing it on purpose and it just disgusts me to be human. i hope i can love myself. i know that without all this tar and dirt that covers me, lies someone who is funny bubble and sweet. i know that im kindhearted but lately ig all ive known about myself is that im an absolute bitch.

self love is hard. i work on it everyday for years and years and some days go really well and some other days i end up wondering if theres any point in trying so hard to love myself because i wonder if love even exists.

the only thing at the moment that bring me great amount of excitement in my life is working at this new job i have and being busy. it brings a lot of exhaustion and the feel of mental drainage but i guess a lot of time with hard work comes great rewards. i didnt get to explain earlier why i was so happy but i was happy because michael came up to me and he tried to talk to me even tho we barely used to talk cause we only knew each other through mutuals. and he told me he doesnt talk to irene and cindy anymore but he was really kind to me and teased me so much but it was so funny. i hope i can get closer to him!!! and he said he plays league too so maybe one day ??? (:

anyways this is my dilemma, my very almost irrelevant thoughts that keep me from falling back asleep. godddd i wish i could love myself really. goodnight


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