The dead dreamer

Life of a dead girl in a dream
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2020-02-17 11:23:20 (UTC)

My father

I am so jealous of my friends /colleagues. Their father loves them so much,they care for them and are like... their best friend.
I hate my father. The word hate would be "over" expressing my feeling for him. But I don't love my father anymore. Sometimes, can't even stand the sight of him.
I pretend like I care about him to most of the world but the truth is I don't . He was never a good father figure. He still isn't.

As a kid i was always sad and extremely jealous of my friends who got along with their dad.
My dad has always only cursed at me. I've been hearing words like slut, bitch, whore, bastard, ugly fucker, stupid, Also - why don't you just die, don't come back, if only your head explode, I pray you get under a truck or something... Yadayada Since i was like 6 yrs old for every single day. Like seriously,every single day to this day.
He would also beat me with a belt,stick or whatever he could find in his hand(not anymore,thankfully). Many times I heard him blame my mom for not aborting me. They wanted only one child- my elder brother.

My brother is the same. Like father like son. He has suffered a lot as well. Dad used to beat the crap outta him too.
But I cannot sympathise.. Because to me he is a failure as a brother. He has cursed at me just like dad.. Hit me to the point I end up in hospital, he lied,stole, he knew I was being sexually harassed as a kid but ignored it....
Then I hear girls talking about how close they are to their father's or their siblings and how they still buy them gifts and dresses and their father is proud of them, it breaks my heart. I can't remember my dad doing any of that. He used to tell me to be grateful for living, having a place to call home and food to survive. Actually, he's right... I am grateful to my parents for a lot of things... but I can't help but feel jealous at times. Jealous of those that have more.
I'm greedy.
Its funny... That am so used to this but still ,even after all these years ,hearing these girls talk about their awesome dad and shit... is kind of painful. I mean.. I know It's not their fault they have loving parents... I guess I didn't deserve it.
Whatever...maybe that's why

I could never make my father proud of me,no matter what I achieved.


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