LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2020-02-16 17:27:23 (UTC)

an experience of the lesser variety

"You are the Blood" by the Castanets

February 16, 2020 Sunday 4:31 PM

This might be a time as good as any, sitting here in the Ratty. My neck is torn to shit by this guy's mouth, idk if I even named him, but yeah. The way I remember him kissing my neck is just this horrible, like, pulling, of my skin between his teeth, stretching it towards himself. Not quite sucking so much as tearing flesh from bone lol. It's annoying that I have the receipt of this act in the form of much, much purple. Like, the whole thing made me miss Trip, sort of, 'cause at least he actually made me feel good, even if things with him were always a liiil weird. Like, they were much weirder with this guy.

We tried to have sex, but it just hurt so much, that I gave up. Even the fingering hurt a little, but I am realizing in retrospect that this was because he was jammin' his finger(s) up in there like he was the blade of a blender. Like, sometimes it would almost feel really good, but then he'd change something, and it would kind of hurt. And I tried to do some directing, but tbh I don't entirely know how to direct a guy to finger me. When I do it myself, it's much easier, obviously, since it's like second nature, but it also usually does not feel as good (like, even though this episode of fingering was objectively bad, at least I felt it in my teeth, some thrumming of nerves). I think the good-ness comes from the novelty of another person touching me, kind of like how I can't tickle myself, etc. etc.

Anyway, I had the distressing experience of pleasure dipping anxiously into pain, and even while experiencing the pleasure, it was kind of odd and dissonant because in my head I felt like I was 1000 miles away and none of it felt exactly good, even if that's how I was... reacting. It was like it was happening without me lol. Which is around the time I should've had him stop, but I was just so fucking scared of the potential awkwardness of doing that.

In conclusion, I think he should've lubed up his fingers. That shit hurted. Guess I have to keep my dumbass stupid virginity, but probably better I didn't lose it with that guy anyway, since, from what I am gathering, I did not have a lot of fun lol.

I had a lot more fun kissing him. Well, most of the kissing was boring (he didn't do much with his hands/didn't seem to be very bodily—which is perfectly fine, but I had a hard time understanding what was being communicated bc of that lol). But the parts where I kissed his neck were pretty good, 'cause he'd do a moaning thing that was nice. What I didn't love, is that whenever I did something he liked especially well, he'd pull my hair. And listen, idk if it was something performatively "hot" or if he genuinely just likes doing that sort of thing, but I wish he had asked because it kind of hurt and did not do anything in particular for me. Actually, I think that's kind of the entire vibe of last night. Ya, with that stuff he was pretty responsive.

I also did like his dick. Maybe it was because I felt so distant, but I wanted to touch him, I wasn't, like, afraid. So I spent a while doing that, exploring. Was very nice!!!! Dicks are weird! But I like them better than vaginas, they almost seem simpler? I suspect that they are, haha. Anyway, I was, of course, very nervous that nothing I was doing was working and he isn't too... vocal. Ugh, another thing I have to appreciate about Trip, is how communicative he was. Whenever I did something well, he told me; and if he needed me to do something else, he also told me. I like that. Anyway, then he asked me if I wanted to go down on him, and I was like, "no," (in more words) and then I was like, "wait, actually," because I decided this was the ideal safespace opportunity to experiment with such a thing. THAT was the most fun I had, actually, for sure. I was very concentrated on the dick itself, and it took me some time to figure out how the fuck to use my mouth. He came into my mouth after awhile!!! Which, cool. Didn't taste bad, but the aftertaste wasn't great, lol.

I wish I had been less of my dumb, silly self, because everything was really awkward after and there I was acting like my normal dumb jokey nervous self. It was just soooo weird. After I left, I felt very confused about what the fuck I had just spent two hours doing. I had lube in my hair and cum on my hands and hickeys all over my neck and absolutely nothing to show for it except for a strange taste on my tongue.

I went home and took a shower. And stayed up a bit longer with Nadiya and Sonya. I felt like I could've cried at any moment, but then I didn't. I was so empty inside. Also I got really gassy and bloated, which I think was from the force of the fingering earlier, pushing a lot of air into my vagina. And my neck, really, is just awful. I had a surprisingly dreamless sleep. And I feel weirdly okay today.

Except I miss Diego today. Like, I miss the comfort of being around a guy that doesn't expect anything from me. Not that the guy from last night really expected anything. I could've stopped any time. But somehow, that felt risky. I don't know. Yesterday at work, I had to finish an application for a Russian abroad program, and Diego brought me some seltzer to drink. He didn't even ask me if I needed anything, he just gave it to me, and I wanted to cry it was so nice. He does that kind of thing.

Did I already? Write this? Diego took me aside before winter break to tell me he liked me and he said, "I think you probably knew longer than I did," and I said, "yes," because I did, and I said I want to remain friends, and he said he figured that was the answer, but it was probably good to hear it out loud, and I said yes, and I thought that was that. When I saw him after coming back from break, however, I started feeling ~funny things.~ I definitely have a crush of some variety, but it is hard to tell where it comes from and how deeply it extends?????
Anyway, I miss him today. I just want to no-pressure experience of sitting with him in silence until we decide feel like having a conversation. That is friendship :) is being able to be around each other like that.

I know kind of what it sounds like, but honestly, dating him really fucking scares me, because what if we kiss and I feel the same emptiness I always feel? That would fucking suck. I would rather not know. I would rather not know.

Yep, so that's lately. I'm tired of everything and myself.


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